Introspection of Self

Sometimes I feel lost and alone; sometimes I don’t even feel myself, because I am always lost in my mind. Like I am living in a story about a girl going on ventures and journeys to find herself in this world. Finding a legacy to keep to herself, being someone she can be proud to be. Sometimes if I wake in the morning, it doesn’t even feel like it’s the real me waking up, but someone else, that is sharing my body with me.

In some cases I don’t think it’s the real me, because if it was then I don’t like who she is, who I am. The person that is built up with so many personas, that she can’t live in the real world without being that she really is.

People can easily hurt me, because I believe easily, I trust easily with my heart, and once they hurt me, I feel like im there puppet that they keep on playing with.

I’m lost within myself, the only time I feel myself is when I read about it on paper, in my stories, in my poetry. This girl who grew up still lost in herself. Who doesn’t believe that she can be loved, because her track record on being loved by people hasn’t been good, not once, by always getting hurt somehow.

Who am I? I remember being 18 years old on a search for where I came from, that why am I so different from my family. I just didn’t seem to fit in. even though I looked like them, I still didn’t feel like I was one of them. My whole life I have set myself apart from family, I pursued things my family don’t like, or want to be a part of.

In most case I became someone that don’t let people or things get in her way. If my mind was set on something that’s what I was going for.

I built this wall around me to never let people in, but silly me had too fall in love and let these people break down the one thing I worked so hard for. To never let anyone in.

As I was searching at the age of 18 for who I am, I started to go look for my father’s family. In there faces I saw myself, but I didn’t feel anything for them, they treated me like a stranger, I don’t blame them, I wasn’t one of them, I wasn’t meant to be anyone but myself. See they have taught me something valuable. To love who and what I was.

Not to go look for something that wasn’t there. All along the answers of my true identity was inside of me. It was always there I just didn’t want to accept it. See I am me, because of my circumstances I used my background to live life as hard as it were. I came through all those things life threw my way.

I raised myself, I learnt how to read and write from a very early age.

I didn’t just become a writer, I was born this way.

Sometimes I doubt myself till I can’t handle it anymore. When people get to close to me I want to run as far as possible, the problem is I don’t want to disappoint them or hurt them, id rather hurt then they.

I believe I am a free spirit being, that whatever life puts in my path I can get through it somehow. I trust in my own faith and my strength.

 I think the biggest mistake I make in this life, I long too long after past friends that has been gone for so long. Its like a part of me just can’t let go once someone leaves.

I am someone who treasures friends forever; there is no contemplating, even if they gone for years in my heart I still remember them.

My spirit, I think for the most I am a very spiritual being, I feel deep, and connect with people mostly on a spiritual level, that is why they become a part of me, apart of this universe where things doesn’t always go how we want it too.

I’ve only ever been in love twice. Both of them still meant a lot to me even though we no longer friends. Yet I still keep them close in heart.

If I could write my own story, it would be a book of journal entries that explains my inner self at best. Sometimes journaling is something good to keep, because its only there that we can open up our hearts and let the words flow. I love words, I love being a writer. I love making friends and reading others work.

I walk around with my scars tattooed on my heart. There’s so much about myself that I keep within me, because sometimes if people know too much, they use it against you. I don’t think I am a bad person; I am just someone who takes a lot of time to know. We can’t always know everything about another.

But we also need to give people their privacy, only when they ready to say what is on their minds.

I suffer from depression; I’ve been living with it, in silent for so long that I am finally forced to get help. Just I don’t want to fall apart, to be on some medication to keep me on the right path. I live a normal life, I have a great life, and I just wish I could sometimes partake on it.

This journey I am on, I know I am not alone that God is with me every step of the way. That one day I will not feel lost or alone but feel that I belong in this world.