Angel’s Cry~ Personal Devotion

8 May 2012

Sometimes in life things can go barren, we lose ourselves to the world. We like little minions that were created by the flesh.  A life without any thoughts of any remorse, we hurt, we betray, we deny each other. We want to win over our peers and we would do just about anything to reach that goal.

I use to be one of those people who chased after the things of this world. I had it all I felt on top of this world, nothing and no one could ever take me off that high I was. In that time I was hurting people who loved me, I took people for granted. I thought nothing of the next person because I saw myself above them. I am not the only one I have seen a few others doing the same mistake, but I learn.

I learn the hardest way what I was doing to the people who I did love. I did love them. My love for them wanted to be in charge, in control. I didn’t want them to see my scars, my fears, the things that I was hiding.

All the demons that I had to overcome.

I lost everything, I lost the love of my life, my soul mate everything that was dear to my heart my best friend.

Losing everything, I also lost myself in the meantime.

When your world gets taken away from you. Having all those people. The relationships the once that didn’t mean so much to me, became just a way for me to not deal with the actual issues that arise at the time.

Losing everything I learnt you can always gain something better. It wasn’t an easy process. Certain things in life get taken away from us then we wonder, but why. If I questioned God on all the things that have happened, especially with my friend who lost her son a few months ago? Perhaps her grief is different then mine, but isn’t all grief in some way the same. My grief lasted ten years and hers is still fresh. I wish I can take away her pain, the sadness that is whirling inside of her.

In this life as hard as it gets at times we just got to hold onto God. We need him to survive this race humans are set on.

The minions that was placed on this earth to dement our souls. They suck our emotions in gather all the information about us and set out to attack. I use to be avenging whoever hurt me I had to fight back. That was who I was it was how I learnt to defend myself, I became someone that isn’t the real me, but who says that wasn’t me I mean anger eats at the core of your soul. All I wanted when I was like that was to have someone hold me and tell me I am loved. I wanted to be loved by my parents, but they couldn’t always supply my needs. As I grew up I fallen into a life of alcohol did all kinds of things, but did I learn from that life.

Oh yes I did. While I lost everything and became ill I wandered for days, weeks, months inside my house not a friend came by. Nobody but one person came to my need. She was always the one that would come and look to see if I am doing alright. I treasure her friendship, even my cousin’s girlfriend she became my spiritual sister. I could open up to someone besides my therapist at the time. I needed them and God has heard my prayers. God released me off all those demons that were inside of me. I was ill for over two years my body just failed on me, I felt like Job when he was attacked by Satan and all around him tells him why you praise a God that doesn’t care about your well being. “The night drags on, and I toss till dawn… My days are swifter, than a weaver’s shuttle flying back and forth. They end without hope…I will never again experience pleasure.”

I lost hope in myself; I thought no good can come off this. I wanted to die; suicide was all I could think about. I even heard the devil telling me you’ve lost everything, nobody loves you.

So deep in my depression I was lost in an underground world filled with dark alleys. I could see all the people I love being happy laughing at my failure.

I failed myself I didn’t know God could get me out of where I was. I didn’t want to believe at that time that this too shall past. When you lost alone and grieving on your own nobody, but your own negative thoughts flowing through your mind. Nobody could done for me, nobody could have said, “This isn’t going to last, that pain your feeling that is life, that is to show you that there is pain in this world and it depends on how we deal with that pain.

I was a sinking ship, I tumbled over I gave into the flesh that was breaking me down from the inside. You know I was in pain and I could feel it, but look how Satan works he makes me believe I was going insane at one point. Job he lost everything, his kids, his wealth, his health everything.

He had sores on his body, he was un aching pain. You can’t ever feel his pain if you never experience it, I was under an attack. My soul was up for the prize that’s going to win this battle, the flesh, Satan or am I going to rise above it all overcome it and accept God as my savior.

Job’s wife she advised her husband to curse God and die. But Job’s suffering led him to God’s grace. He prayed: “I had heard about you before, but now I’ve seen you with my own two eyes, I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

Job chose to live through the suffering and learn God’s lesson for him.

While I was dealing with my own suffering between 2010 & 2011 it was the darkest times of my life.

I was a Christian since 2008, but you see I had to be learn a lesson and this was the most powerful lesson I had to face.

For the remaining of my suffering I did it all on my own. I didn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t attend church. I stopped believing in myself and that I was a good person. I start to ask myself out loud, what does it mean to be a good person yet you fall into all the bad luck that is coming my way. First life was good I was happy had a great life or so I always thought. But deep down in my soul I wasn’t completely happy in this life. I wanted to die I even asked to die. I was that person lost in her own pain. I didn’t want people to know what I was going through, I didn’t want anyone’s pity, I also didn’t want to pity myself, I fall so deep into my depression, my aching body stopped working as I could barely get out of bed, I couldn’t walk for awhile since my muscles was hurting so much that all I wanted to do is sleep and never to get up.

This life can pull over you; you can lose your way. I am not perfect. I cried each night tears were never dried up. I was so lost that it felt like God has even neglected me. I prayed in those nights, Satan wanted me in his corner, but I push through. I wasn’t going to let him use my past, my mistakes to win this battle. I tell you it’s the worst kind of pain to be going through. I wanted to heal. “God heal me.” I cried. Seeing my mother’s pain she didn’t know what was happening, I couldn’t tell her she wouldn’t understand me, but she didn’t leave me alone in this, she got me pastors, church people to pray for me together we fought the demon that was attacking me, my soul was at risk.

People left me alone; I knew God removed them he knew I didn’t need them to be with me. I will never be ashamed of where I was, I will never be ashamed to know that I was battling for my life.

You know October 2010 I lost my uncle.

There I was already fighting to stay alive as I fell ill yet again. I didn’t have strength. I couldn’t fight it any longer. I said, “ God I can’t do this anymore.” with tears in my eyes to be saying those words as another pastor came to pray for me a week or so after the death. She said to me, “Don’t question this, God he has a plan for you. He’s going to take you through victory.” I kept her words inside me I remembered it.

You know everything that has been stolen from me has been returned ten fold, but I am coming out, it was a new season for me, 2012 was a new season for me because it says, “Be The Miracle, Here am I and the children whom the Lord has given me! We are for signs & wonders” Isaiah 8:18

What happened in 2011 was part of the plans. I never knew or even imagined I would be here sitting and writing this to you. I didn’t even believe in myself. That all that pain could just fall of my back and give me a second chance at life.

I am a miracle, I am someone, just a person who wandered around in a sinful life and once I asked forgiveness and repent my sins all heavens cleared.

I am washed with joy, I have never known true happiness without being in a relationship, and I am single. And I came to be content with what I have. Seeing things differently now, that my past doesn’t and shouldn’t define who I was. But what matters is the now the person who I am and who I am still going to be in the future. Our God is amazing his super awesome dad that can mend my broken heart. He can restore almost anything as it was, but just better. You see as I was going through this transformation in the last four months of 2012 it wasn’t easy, it was hard, but it was something I would never swap for anything in my life, not even for the love of my life.

I prayed throughout my depression, I wasn’t alone in my depression God was there keeping me safe from doing harm to myself.

Awhile ago I read that depression is something from Satan, he likes putting us in hell for us to give up on trusting God to heal us.

A temporary issue we want to prolong for years, it took me two years to admit I had a problem.

I couldn’t do it on my own I needed to speak to someone. A good therapist and she truly understood me, but while she was healing some scars for me, I met my spiritual friend, my cousin’s girl friend, what a blessing she has been, she has the spirit of discernment she cares about my well being about me getting better. She didn’t give up on me she prayed with me and encouraged me. God must have heard my tears over the years when I was sitting alone in my room crying and being angry at the world for giving me so much grief.

She told me, “Your latter will be greater than your past. That all things are possible.” And she knows I have been through hell, and just God knew what I have been through, no matter what has been done that my future will be greater than my past.

We just need to ask God to heal us.

We have power inside of us, we have a light coming through and the enemy he wants to struck us down, but as I read, our silence gives us strength and confidence to overcome our enemies.

I hand it all over to God, my worries, my concerns. I can’t ever exist in a world where God isn’t my centre. He’s my all.

I experience contentment, happiness and joy when I was in a relationship I was mostly miserable, I don’t trust people, but I trust God and he is showing me how to love myself again. Everyday I love myself more than any other person in my life. I want to know more of God, I crave knowing what he has in store for me next, and that through my life storms knowing I have him on my side my ship isn’t sinking at all. My ship is stable and it’s warm.

My soul is reaching new voyages. I want to be a disciple. I want to be someone who’s able to carry out his word to those ones lost still. If you a sheep still lost and busy finding there way. Don’t hinder far from him his ever loving God of wanders.

As my friend is going through her grief I know that she isn’t alone in this, she has a father that won’t ever forsake her.

He’s there comforting her each day. Grief happens in life we can’t run from grief we also can’t avoid feeling it, blocking it will just prolong the pain. But God his the perfect love that will be her strength just like he is any mother who has lost a son or a daughter, every person who has lost a father or a mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle, aunt, cousin, he hears our prayers.

Scriptures that has carried me through April 2012

Each day in April I walked around with a scripture throughout my day and at the end of the day I will meditate on it and pray.

Rom8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love GOD, to those who are called according to his purpose.

Rom6:14

For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

Isaiah 30:15

In returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.

Psalm 119: 28

My soul melts of heaviness, strengthen me according to your word.

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Heb13:5

Let your conduct be without covetousness, be content with such things as you have. For he said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Rom 16: 20

And the God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly.

Psalm 42:11

Why are you cast down, oh my soul? And why are you disquieted within me. Hope in God for I shall not praise him. The help of my countenance and my lord.

Psalm 27: 14

Wait on the lord. Be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart. Wait I say on the lord.

Phil 4:13

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

A Soul Rescued

Matthew 5:11-12
“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

I've seen the dreams of who I wanted to be vanished into thin air. My entire life mapped out into something that I never thought I'll become. Devastation and frustrated over the years that I've seen slipping me by as a stillness of earth shattering convictions took over and settled into my soul.

Everything I've dreamed off was taken away or perhaps it was always there waiting for me patiently as the clock and the hands of time keep moving along. I saw my life being taken over by malicious acts of something that wasn't me. A life gone under as I start falling for people that made me feel good for a second, for a minute. Those lost minutes I can never get back all I can do is break lose from the bondage of other souls holding tight to my soul,
As the binding of theirs kept on holding. It's this time that I've given up on my own dreams on my visions. I gave up on me as one day I broke lose from bondage as these words starts to play.
"To fulfil divine purpose, you gotta answer when you're called
so don't be afraid to face the world against all odds."

The visions that can change the world trapped inside an ordinary girl. She looks just like me, too afraid to dream out loud."

It may seem simple, but it seems so hard to grasp beyond what you believe in. Her mind was over clouded in the depths of what others asked of her. She lost who she was.

But then she heard these words swept through the air and she stood still and listened.

"And though it's simple your idea, it won't make sense to everybody. You need courage now, if you're gonna persevere.
So don't be afraid to face the world against all odds.

Keep the dream alive don't let it die

If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don't stop

And never give up, don't ever give up on you

Don't give up."

Those words just knock the girl over as tears starts to fall from her eyes. She was on bended knee, as her hand was lift up to the sky. She kept her one hand on her heart as the words starts to become more emotional to the girls soul.

"Every victory comes in time, work today to change tomorrow
It gets easier, who’s to say that you can’t fly
Every step you take you get, closer to your destination
You can feel it now, don’t you know you're almost there? "

The girl starts to realize that this song was meant for her. That every obstacle, every storm and challenge she's been through, is the highlight of this exact moment. She can either live in self pity and give up on her and accept defeat or she can actually rise above this, all that's been keeping her bondage for so many years.
"I want to be free." She shouted to the heavens.
"God give me your peace, silence my mind and heart." She cries out.

The song played out, this was it, and her chance to become the person God always knew she can be. She can let go of all her pain and anguish. She asked forgiveness laying it all upon God's shoulders to carry her burdens for. It wasn't an easy thing for her to do, but she had an experience with the Holy Spirit.

"Sometimes life can place a stumbling block in your way
But you're gotta keep the faith, bring what's deep inside your heart
to the light
and never give up don’t ever give up on you.

The answer that can solve a mystery
The key that can unlock your understanding
It's all inside of you, you have everything you need yeahhhh

Sooooo, keep the dream alive don't let it die
If something deep inside, keeps inspiring you to try don't stop
And never give up, don't ever give up on you."

It was like the lyrics says, never give up, but most of all never give up on you.
Never let someone destroy your joy, your visions or dreams. Let those who want to take you down. Leave them in the hands of God. Don't evict evil with evil it would just damage your soul. So much has been taken from me. All the things I've thought were good and that could never be broken. My relationships with people they tell me one story and turn against me. People wear mask that can show a smile, but deep down evil is brooding inside.

My soul was connected to earthly things, I've asked my God to break all ties and give me back what's mine, to restore all hurts done by me and by others and giving my a soul that's wants again pure and not bruised by the hands of another.

A Challenged given by Leo - "Write on paper what you would write if you were to not think twice before putting the words on paper."

Good Friday & Spiritual Pregnancy

I've been going through some changes both emotional and spiritual. I feel like God is loosening me from the things of the world and taking me on a journey.

This is how I envision this.
I'm the little girl standing there while all the lost and grief was happening. And here Jesus comes and he's taking me by my little hand. Almost like saying, 'child don't fear, don't be frighten, I'll lead you through it.' And I abide by his words as he's taking me through the planes of life. Holding tight to his hand as we carry on walking. While we walking I am growing physically in the form of a young woman.

I spoke to my friend about this seeing as she's got more intuition with the spiritual realm. I learn so much from her. She said its a spiritual pregnancy that I'm going through that God is birthing new things in my life.

Yesterday was Good Friday and I sat in the first pew. Just opposite the alter and the cross of Jesus crucifixion was up. I looked at it stared at it and thoughts ran through my mind later on I start to see visions of how he died, how he felt. The suffering, the pain, the darkness that swept over him. I am not saying He was in the darkness, but the setting I've been seeing in front my very eyes. Here's the man who was born through a human being he lived among us on earth. It starts to hit me even Jesus was an illegitimate child, unwanted by his earthly father.

Then he grew up attended school like an ordinary boy, until he was much older he became an carpenter the trade of his earthly father.

Until God called unto him to take his rightful path as the king of all. God loved us to send his only begotten son to save our souls.

Now this is what I was seeing. I saw Jesus as he was the purest,softest man in human form. He was gentle and always willing.

Then it came to the people of this world mocking him and calling him a fake.

Good Friday has so many sacredness, the crucifixion is for all people no matter what religion we are.
It's about our daily lives with people, betrayal, liars, judgment, forgiveness. The preacher says to forgive ourselves.
And then it took me to my own life as it played out in my mind, the things I've done to people I claimed to have loved.

I think I didn't forgive myself I didn't know how, but I'm going too.

Then I ask myself, Jesus died for my sins for all of us. He's innocent yet he took our crosses that we carry and he took it upon myself.

Yesterday when all the parishes walked up to the cross, it hit me that this is one church how many others all over the world hasn't walked up to that cross today. It's a lot its like a billion of people who's broken, torn, and suffering. Here is a man who's carrying so many's pain on his shoulders.
Then he says, come to me your weary souls and lay it on my shoulders'.

I mean his amazing right.

Here he is suffering, dying and he says, if its your will my father.

Jesus is so obedient, his patient. Even until that last hour as the entire country of Galgatta was covered with dark clouds on that cross he completely had trust in his father. He believed in God on his last few minutes as he died.

The son of the most powerful, supernatural God died. He died for me and he died for you.

Imagine you've been brutally beaten by the kings soldiers, then to make you even more shameful they let you walk with this heavy cross on your back.
Then put a thorn crown around your head as blood comes from your fore skin.
What about the fact a spier was stuck through your left side hip. Imagine the suffering, the pain and the torment.
He didn't show any weakness, Jesus believed in his heart in what is the truth. He believed until the end.

To walk to the mountain where you are being captured and treated like a criminal.
Being put up that cross as they nailed nails into his palm of his hands and feet with only a piece of cloth to cover up his body parts. What utter torment.

As I'm writing this goosebumps is coming through my skin.

The symbolic of the crucifixion.
The cross- our crosses he bares
The death- cleansing of our sins.

The death of Jesus is symbolic to all nations.

And then after he died in this manner they buried him in the tomb.

But before all this what did Mary felt at that point watching her son being killed in front her own eyes.

a friend of mine lost her son to death 40 days ago. I can vicariously imagine how Mary felt through my friend. The pain they bare, the missing, the fact that you never going to hear your childs voice. Never see him smile, never hear him calling you mom. All those things that mothers feel when they lose a child so unexpectedly.

Yet there's other people in this world like another friend I once knew, that has evil inside of her breaking up friendships that was once strong. Why do we break each other down there's enough pain and suffering in this world to still be hurting each other.

Over the last few days I've said goodbye to a friend because of evilness that swept her pure heart into a dark cloud. I find it strange how we as people can let others influence us. how we let someone change us into someone that we won't be admired for.
I will pray for this friend I've lost. And hopefully one day she will be herself.

In a vision my grandmother who's passed away 11 years ago came to me in a vision in church and said I should let this friend go. She said let her go, one day she will come back.

I respect the death and I truly believe what my grandmother asked of me should be done.

Just like Jesus believed in his Father.

It was four days later a woman came to Jesus tomb and found it empty.
That moment the angel appears and said he has risen. That Jesus is alive.

With God everything happens in four days. He's never late his always on time.
This is my experience I've encountered with the holy spirit. The anointed one.

I've laid my hand flat on my stomach as I felt something move within me. I mean I am single haven't been with anyone. And the thoughts of something moving inside me I could even feel the pain inside.

It’s interesting how God gives His prophets different angles on a thing and at times they seem almost to contradict one another, but in the end you can see how it all fits together.

It brought remembrance about Mary, the human mother of Jesus, and a Messianic prophecy she received that changed her life. And there’s a lesson in it for us all in this year of new beginnings.

You’ll remember when the angel Gabriel, often seen delivering messages to God’s people, found Mary in Nazareth. Gabriel told Mary she was highly favored of the Lord, and blessed among women. Then Gabriel delivered his prophetic message: “You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus” (Luke 1:31 ). Mary was perplexed and asked the angel how it was possible, seeing as she was a virgin."

Then Gabriel answered Mary. “The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God” (Luke 1: 35)

“Mary responded, ‘I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true’” (Luke 1:38 ). Mary displayed willingness and obedience to allow the Lord to use her however He chose. I don’t believe He would have used her if she had not been willing and obedient.

God will not violate our own will. That’s why, knowing that God chose me to be going through the pregnancy, it wasn’t so much about getting revelation on exactly what I was birthing. It was about lining up my will with God’s will in the matter.

With what I am dealing with at this moment in my life the birthing is God's way of helping me and showing me how to go about dealing with my fears. It forces you to get more disciplined, it challenges you to go deeper in God to find the grace you need to meet with the spiritual stretching you will no doubt experience.

Indeed birthing new things demands many adjustments. This is the reason the answers that's being clarified why certain people has been removed from my life. I didn't understand it until right this minute when I am actually writing and re-reading this piece. I couldn't understand for the life of me why this all happened I've been asking God even cried to him why he took away someone I've loved for so long. Here is why the birthing of something new is about to come. I've even resigned from writing websites because of free time I've needed here its all falling into place. Wow.

I believe God is birthing new things this year – and He needs people who are like Mary, willing and obedient to allow the Lord to do what He pleases for His glory. Notice I say for His glory. Mary gave birth to Jesus not for herself, but so the sin of the world could be taken away.

Whatever the Lord chooses to birth through us – a song, a book,– remember that it’s not about you. It’s about the people who need what you are carrying. You aren’t carrying the Savior of the world, but you may very well be carrying something that will save people a lot of pain, bring people greater understanding of God’s Word, or give people the hope of fulfilling their purpose and destiny in Christ. Isn’t it worth it?

(Oh yeah its so worth it. I always did ask God what's the purpose of you saving me all the time. Bringing me back to safety. The other day a car almost hit me by a few meters I think 2 or 3 not too sure. My eyes stared at the car and I wasn't at that moment sure to move. It took me a few seconds to get back inside my body and getting out the way. I've had many encounters and God in his humble heart always bring me to safety. I am sure he's purpose must be greatly important to him.)

Something Missing

I am sitting with all these thoughts inside of me, I want to steer them away from me, but its hard to do.
There's a reason for feeling like something is missing in your life...
It's your heart, mind and body letting you know that you are not complete. You feel it as a lack of passion and sense of purpose.

Without natural passion and purpose you begin to feel empty. The activities you engage in seem to be little more than routines. You're on autopilot and not really present. Time goes by and you feel as if nothing of any real value is being accomplished in your life.

There are two categories of people who share the feeling that something is missing:
Category one: You have a wonderful husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, kids, great friends and family relationships. Overall, life is good.
Category two: You don't have the kind of relationships, family interaction, friends or lifestyle that is right for you. Overall, life is not good. By the time you have become well entrenched into category two, you are so far from your genuine self that you may be in serious denial of your situation.
When I look at these factors I fall in category 2:

Whether you fall into category one or two, much of your time is spent going through the motions. You feel disconnected from your life and find yourself attempting to fill the emptiness you feel, with distractions.
You will do just about anything to kill or bury that lingering pain...The feeling that something is missing screams for your attention. The way you deal with it is to run away from it. You seek out relationships, things and experiences,which give you only temporary relief. Then you run again, looking for the next distraction. Only to find that it too was empty. You don't stop running until one day you finally hit the wall...
 I always seem to run away from something, looking for an exit.

I see myself in these text. I do it without realizing that I go from relationship to relationship to find out its not what I want. Just looking for  a quick fix to distract me from the real truth. The fact that its within me that I need to search. I've been searching from the far corners of the earth and still after five unsuccessful relationships later I'm still lost, nothing can fill me. I'm chasing after  a smile, happiness that I thought people could give me. But its not what anyone can do that can complete me, is the joy I need to seek within me. What's missing is ME.


You've been looking everywhere except the one place you will find the answer: Within yourself.
If you are a category one person, maybe everything in your life isn't exactly perfect but life is pretty good. You're a person who is stable, responsible and tries to make the right choices. Your life appears to be going in the right direction. Yet that pervasive feeling that something is missing haunts you day after day.
Both category one and two share one thing in common:
You feel that you are an observer rather than a participant in your life.
When you disconnected from your true self, you are going to feel as if something is missing because you are missing something... YOU!...And the passion that naturally comes with being your genuine self.
A life of appearances
Living a life in which you appear to be doing the right things is very different than living a life where you are actually doing what's right for you. They are not the same thing. Especially if what you're doing with your life is attempting to meet the expectations and standards of your family culture.
There is also the pressure of the larger world we live in.For many families, how they are perceived by the "outside world" may be more important than the needs and aspirations of the individual family members. This means a family culture may have a set of "ideals" which reflects how they want to be perceived by the rest of the world. These ideals are what largely determines what you believe your choices are: Everything from who you marry, to how many kids you have, where you live, the type of job you have and the church you go to.
Even if you managed to achieve each one of the "ideal standards" of your family culture, at the end of the day, you are surprised to find that you are not really happy ...Something is still missing.
The downside of family culture.
Family culture can often exert a pressure that sometimes has disastrous consequences: The relentless striving to be perfect or live up to some ideal, which is in conflict with your genuine self, can cause a severe emotional stress resulting in depression and even worse. Not feeling good enough or not quite living up to the expectations of your family culture puts you into conflict with your self. The problem is, you have more experience and rationale to back up your family's expectations.
On the other hand, you've had so little experience with the needs and wants of your genuine self that the internal struggle becomes one sided. All the reasons for the striving shift toward the side of your family culture. It's difficult to ignore those expectations, because of years and years of emotional and intellectual conditioning.So you are left with the feelings you have inside which cannot yet be expressed verbally or with a level of reasoning that can compete with the rationale that comes from years of family cultural "programming".
You have had so little experience living life and making decisions from your genuine self that you find yourself feeling indecisive ...Uncertain about your knowledge and abilities. In essence, you don't trust yourself.
You don't feel passion for anything because the feeling puts you in conflict with the cultural expectations. So you stop trusting the feeling ...Instead you learn to "motivate" yourself to engage in safe non-conflicting situations and relationships.

Motivation is not inspiration
There is nothing sustaining about motivation. Passion and inspiration are a source of sustaining energy which continue to increase over time until that which you have engaged in, manifests itself in your life. Passion has "follow through"... Motivation has "let down".The confusion between Passion and Motivation.
I often hear from people who tell me that they have passion in their lives but still feel as if something is missing...
My only response to this is that they do not have passion in their lives. If they did they would be fully immersed in the life journey that passion has led them to.
And their journey would not be plagued with indecision and self doubt! There is no feeling that something is missing when your life is moving in the right direction. Passion is the primary indicator that whatever you are doing is bringing you closer to fully realizing your genuine self. Therefore, passion does not fall short in supporting and providing whatever is necessary in your life for you to accomplish that relationship or situation which brings you closer to your true self.
My therapist have told this to me, and I do understand that what I was searching for isnt out there yes I can find love in every person I come across, but its not somebody that can complete me, it is what is missing within. I have searched and searched thinking all these relationships can distract me from what is already known, that I do feel most days like an empty vessel walking around this earth, i first thought if i follow my heart and accept God inside of my heart and soul, I will feel complete, but even after that I still dont feel connected to that thing I am longing for, its within me.
For many people, it is how they define passion that creates confusion.
For me, passion sustains the energy necessary, supports the confidence necessary, provides the knowingness necessary, and allows you to recognize the opportunities necessary to take the next great adventure in your life.


 When you live on earth, you will sense a disconnection from God, where you feel he is far away. This disconnect leaves a hole in your heart that nothing else can fill. A lot of people look for ways to fill that hole, but they look in the wrong places. Why? Because they don’t know they should be looking for God. In today’s verse, Job described it as being like someone lost in the desert searching for water.
When you have passion in your life you are not running away from yourself.
You are taking a journey into yourself.
Feel like something is missing in your life? Just close your eyes and step inside.

The day you run out of excuses
is the day your life changes...