Ranting my thoughts

Saturday Ranting 21 July 2012 

 

When I was a little girl I use to believe in magic. In prince charming, fairytales that one day I’ll find myself marrying my prince charming like cinderella and snow white and all those characters Walt Disney told over the years. To me that was the magic I grew up. The magic of finding love that last for a lifetime. Everything in my little child mind was about magic. I believed it in my heart that one day I’ll grow up and I’ll have that magic inside of me.
But then I grew up, into a beautiful young lady and I realize that the magic wasn’t real. That magic I thought was in this life in love wasn’t so much magic at all. It was something real. There was no magic wand, no star dust, no magic pumpkin, no princesses, no prince charming. Just ordinary people living an ordinary life.
But I’ve never felt ordinary. Inside of me I’ve never felt like people understood that I had my own magic. That God created me uniquely. Perhaps he did that to a lot of us, but for me ever since I was a little girl growing us loving to watch fairy tales and stories. It’s then that my imagination built this other world where I can escape to and there I can be happy living in my small magic world that I’ve shaped and formed with my mind. It’s around 12 years of age I’ve picked up a book and pen and start to write my first essay, it was at 16 years of age that I’ve written my first short love story. I’ve never even had a boyfriend then never loved. But it’s through the gift God has blessed me with that I started to write endlessly and carefree of love. I wanted to capture that magic I’ve watched in Disney movies. The hero and the villian and the damsel in distress. The beauty of how I think love should have been.
I love, love and romance. I’ve had a few love affairs I’ve fallen so hopelessly in love. It was like I was living inside my own soap opera.
Do I still believe in that magic when I was 12years old. To tell you the truth there was a time after I’ve lost my true love I didn’t believe love existed. I didn’t believe in fate and destiny and about soul mates. But that was six months ago.
Do I still believe in that magic when I was 12 years old? Yes I do, I believe love is out there. It will happen for me again with the person that’s meant for me. I believe that as long as I believe in my own heart and finding courage to face another day without sadness or resentment that love is out there and I’ll feel that magic come alive once I meet him/her.
That’s what I believe.

What's Gone Is Gone

I needed to let out all of this and the only way I know how is to come on my blog and let it all out my system. Ever since my book presentation that took place finally after a long awaited and disapointments and eventually my book got launched, but that isn't why I am doing this or feeling like I am being transported back to my childhood and how my family had been discussing the underlying truth of this book.

The book wasn't about myself or my life, yet people see they can retrieve traces of the little girl I once was, and so it ended up about the inexplicable unseen father that wasn't a constant in my life and how he now regards that he had been attacked by my mother's friend who by the way doesn't know him or have met him until yesterday afternoon. Which she quoted from the book that she can relate to the book because she herself was a single parent and that my mother raised me on her own with help from her parents and my father was not around. That statement alone is completely true, my dad was not active in my life, the times I would see him was when he was drunk and i always thought perhaps he only had the courage to face me when he was in his drunken state.

Since very young my grandfather he was the man I called father and the only father figure I have had since I was a baby until my grandfather passed away I had no father figure and nobody replaced that role even though at this point my relationship with my biological father didn't exist it still doesn't because he's still a stranger to me and now he is trying to tell me I should ask my mother the truth. "What truth" why would my mother lie to me for 29 years and why for 29 years he was still not trying to build a relationship, he's trying now but I am all grown up and I don't need a father because my father is God. Who has never thrown me out his life or abandoned me and neglected me.

Sometimes I think parents are trying to use there children like they want to make the one bad against the other.
I am 29 and I have finally found my peace and asked forgiveness and letting the past of my father go with it.
Why now he wants to be the victim when I was the victim for the years till I was 21. After I turned 21 I completely cut myself off my father because he was never a  feature in my life so why would I want to put myself out and hurting myself.
Why can't him and his family just stay away from me and why drag me down each time.
That is what my title says, "What's gone is gone" leave it in the past where it belongs I have dealt with it.

This is me I am done with it. “Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. You're done. It doesn't necessarily mean that you want to have lunch with the person. If you keep hitting back, you stay trapped in the nightmare...”
― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

Email from Dha

from    Glenda Delos cidhang@yahoo.com to    chimnese davids <chimnese@gmail.com> date    Tue, Sep 29, 2009 at 3:02 AM subject    Re: This is my NOW

 This is my Now

Means you to me you are my Now. When I first encounter your story I told to my myself I have to know this person who keeps my heart beating very past. I don’t know what it is at first. I thought I would never find someone to love. I didn’t expect to feel so much more.

I was heart broken twice. My last BF was supposed to be planning in leaving together. He got sick and died. I thought that time of closing my heart forever.

Then a read your stories and maybe I’m not hopeless like I thought I was. I met you not in person. You bring out the best of  me so fast like I blink of an eye. I open my heart to you like I know you all my life. I just want to feel again this excitement and happiness. I started dreaming I will go there to you even if as a friend it doesn’t matter as long as we will stay friends.

All my life only my grandma doesn’t leave. She is the only person who took care of me.

All I want is somebody who I can love unconditionally.

You know what I thought when you are mad at me. I thought your gonna leave me too my heart is breaking all over again. I don’t know if I can’t take it anymore if you were leaving me too.

I know I scared you and I’m sorry if I did.

Every night I always imagine you’re in my arms. When the right time came I will go there and meet you and feel your warmed next to me.


I will always love you just know that you’re my Angel.


Love you,


Dha

Note: I'm jealous of breathe but im over it cause i know she has a wife.


AN: An email i want to share this girl will always have my heart if only she knew how much I love her.

Where do brokenhearts go

Today my girlfriend well now ex girlfriend broke it off between us. I've had this notion for while that she's going to break up with me.
I knew it felt it since for quite some time.
I get to this same familiar feeling will their ever be someone that would stick with me through everything that I am going through. I would be there for her not that I stop caring about her because I truly wanted to be with her. She was my first girlfriend here in my home town. I had big hopes for us.
Knowing that she could depend on me. But where does a broken heart really go. how much pain can we all take on.
I won't question God ask him why did this one also end like it did. I'm not one to blame her for anything nor can I be blamed for it. Dealing with my depression and trying so hard not to close off towards her. I didn't wanna close one of my doors I just didn't wanna hurt anymore. I've been through a lot in the last two years dealing with my past and when she came in my life I thought good I've been given another chance at love. It took me awhile to open up and let her love me the way I hope she did.
My friends all say she didn't love me because she didn't break up with me in person, but what do they know about what she felt for me.
I know she loved me and I did love her no matter what anybody said she loved me and yes we are no longer in a relationship. But for once I now know what I need to do is to work on me for now because I wasn't ready to date before she came along.
I just went with it I liked her and didn't want to miss a chance with her.
Jessi I wish you all the best in your life. You and I both deserve happiness and to be appreciated by the people we might end up.
I'll always remember you.
I hope life will be good to you.

Love Chim

My Heart

Sometimes I don't understand the strength of our hearts. The fact that someone we love can truly hurt us.

I won't say that I've never broken hearts, but for 3 years I've lived knowing of what my actions has done. It’s not always easy to let someone in to your heart.

I use to find it hard to love anyone; I didn't know what love truly was. The kind of love that changes a person.

To stop yourself from second-guessing and just give over completely, that's when I first fell in love. It was scary I didn't know if it was right are wrong to what I was feeling inside my heart.

To think I was the girl who never believed I was able to love, to believe that love was out there. It didn't even come with a price; it was freely given to me.

That was the very first time I felt alive, that my lonely heart was set free, the walls I've build was torn apart and I've let love in.

"Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. But if I had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction ice is also great.."

Then I fell in love, I can still remember those first flutters, everything about me seems different, my face, my eyes, my walk, everything I've never been that happy ever in my life. But to fall in love twice with two different kind of individuals each one of them brought something out of me.

I soaring on love, my heart was opened, it felt alive. I was happy they were happy.

But love when it’s betrayed there's always a price to pay.  A price we can only pay with our hearts. The hurt to know you've had it all and you threw it away you toss it aside like it meant nothing.

Celine Dion sings that love doesn't ask why. It comes from the heart and never explains.

When the eyes of my heart saw the other person it didn't want to restrict the feelings that I've slowly developed over time.

In my life I've had two great loves. Two love stories, two hearts but in it all three hearts got broken in one night everything changed.

“I'm going to fight for you, until your heart stops beating.”

If I just took the chance to fight a little harder for my one true love.

“You need to hear the truth Bella, understand all your options. And you need to know... that I'm in love with you. And I want you to pick me instead of him.”

I remember fighting for the one. Telling her how I felt, that I've open the eyes too my heart it was her, it was always her... Then she picked the one she didn't even love. I turned around as tears were streaming down my face. Not even too far as I just fell to my knees. Covering my face with both hands as tears came stronger and harder at that moment I thought am I too late yet again. Was I that blind to even think she's my soul mate?

I just couldn't understand why she didn't choose me, why she couldn't love me. I thought she loved me I truly did. Until today I know she does she's just scared to admit what she feels. Instead she goes on with the notion and acts like she's happy with her choice.

“I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me.”

It won't be easy life with me, wouldn't be easy because we all are different how we deal with our emotions the intensity of everything. All I know life with me would be like a novel kind of love. The lover’s quarrels, the make-ups, the dates, the time spend together. I'll treat you like you the only person that exist. You'll have all of me nothing less, nothing more. I'll love you for as long as there is breath in me.

 “It's not a chick thing. It's a... 'Triangle’ thing.”

I want you to need me, to feel me. I want you to see me in your every dream. I want you to need me, like I need you.

“But you can love more than one person at a time. I've seen it, with Sam, Emily and Leah."

Even Jacob knew this, that anyone can love more than one person. In my life I've loved two.

 "But I'll always be waiting." (Bella says till my heart stops beating) "Maybe even then."

I'll wait forever for you. Always and forever its promise I've made to you.  I've risked a lot in this life. I've come close to death not once but twice.

There’s a purpose I'm here still.

You've imprinted not just on my heart, but also on my soul. Something happened between us that I can't ever forget about.

I've had heartaches over the years, but this, this was a different kind of heartache this was my soul crying because you've disconnected the bond we've had, the love we've shared the memories all those things that made me fall for you. The real kind of love.

Sometimes I have to really take deep breaths to know I'm all alone in this world. That the love I've once had is gone never to return.

It’s sometimes easy to block yourself from feeling all those emotions. If only I was normal, if only I didn't feel so much for them, maybe then I'd be okay. Maybe then they would be okay to move on with someone that truly would love them how I never could.

With me always running away from what my heart wants. Don't ever run from true love. You will regret the running, but you will never truly move on with your heart. Yes I'll date others, but never this deep, never letting my heart be open up to give love to another.

Just living day to day with knowing at least you won't be alone.

"It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother"

I wish I knew where my happy ending would end. Even though I knew how it started and how it came to an abrupt end for a few years. What does once heart really truly honestly patiently desire out of life. Whether I'll have my happy ending or just a fraction of my one true love.

So Sick Of Lovesongs

There is always that one feeling that never goes away, and I keep asking myself why do I love you still. You are inside of my conscious each day and night.
What I am feeling doesnt really even matter anymore. I search endlessly my whole life to be with someone that understands me and connect with on a level of understanding.
I never knew falling in love could hurt this much. Whne you not even with the person anymore. Knowing they out there somewhere being with another. When we broke up in February just after Valentines Day, I knew at that moment we did the best thing to seperate, but i didnt expect it would last 8 months later for me finally break down and feel that heartbreak like it was fresh.

It's like the pieces that was slowly stitching together has fallen apart yet again. Torturing myself of all that once was you. I want to run so far away from the grip you have on my heart. The reasoning yet I cant completely understand the why, why do people come into ourlives, why do we fall in love, why do we even consider giving our hearts out to someone who in some way you thought were your soulmate that you two were destined to be together. I just cant grasp what I am feeling on one hand I hate what I am feeling for you and the next I still try to fit you in my life, but then I also can't do that because I cant not have you be apart of my life knowing there isnt going to be a you and me.

"One love isn't all
consuming, but one
heartbreak can be."
~Tigress Luv, The
Break Up Guru

"Trust me, no past love is as wonderful as a broken heart may make them out to be."

I don't think that a heart can feel this much pain. I end up writing stories and poetry just to release what is left inside, there is so much that i feel that I dont know how to move it out the way. I keep wandering off to who we once were, what we once had.
I am lost and alone and I don't know, I guess I should let this fall of my back. Gosh it hurts so much I dont know how to live without you.

"Those who have never gone through a breakup have never truly grown as a person. They spend their days in a complete whiteout, not knowing how to feel their soul, touch the sky, or hear the spirit whisper in the wind. Only through a broken heart do we blossom into fragrant flowers with the infinite wisdom of a sage and an omniscient spirit in perfect balance with all-creation."

Checking your rearview mirror once in a while helps you get a clearer sense of where you are at, but when you look in your rearview mirror too long, you're bound to miss what's coming up in front of you.

Are you staring at the walls in your room with sighs of grief? Listening to depressing music with quick reflections of regret and longing? Heartbreak can be very painful, I mean I am living through it for all this time, another woman cant take that ache away, have I overcome the crushing reality of a fading romance it fabricated self destruction.
Love is complicating and the dynamics of caring for someone else is staggering.
When we broke up I asked myself these questions? What doesn't she love me back? What happened to us, where did I go wrong and what more could I have done to make her realise that we could do this, that distance shouldn't be the only reason to break up.
I still love her. But eventually I knew this was something I have to work on to get through but let me tell you, heart break is a dark experience. I had to distract myself from going insane and had to do drastic measures, disconnect myself from all connections that I've had with her, because laying around and repeating all the WHAT IF'S took a toll on me emotionally.

How I wanted her to wait for me and to come back  and be with her living our dream. The painful reality was when i saw she has moved on with another girl.The minute I have heard this news it was like a bulging pain seeping through my lower body.
It's like dejavu has hit me back to 2010 reminding me that you have been through this exact stage last year, even though you have been working through the pain of that relationship ending, here the one girl you knew loved you with everything in her has now found someone else. She tells me that she wants someone that cares about her that gives her that attention. She tells me i neglect her. But only if she knew what I was dealing with and that I was working on getting my life back together.
Maybe this is God's way of putting her with someone else that isnt me. Yet it hurts like hell.

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try and talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's over.

If you are willing to trust in a person when all others tell you to go against it, if you are willing to risk getting your heart broken because you believe in that other person. Then that is true love.
Isnt this what true love is, did we have true love, were she meant to be my soulmate i dont know its something I cant answer because the more pain I feel from her out of my life the deeper the scar at the end of the day.

Finding true love is hard enough, but to throw that love away just because you thought it was easier to walk away from them instead you let go and walk around with your head down facing the road you're walking. Lying around your house thinking just maybe she is better off, but what if there was some way that you could've gotten over that hurt and try again. I believe in love but the fact that it hurts even more when you are face with the loneliness.

I might have walked away, but I didnt walk away with my heart I left it with her. She carries it with her since we departed.
Life is so short you know, living with the fear of loving again, guarding your heart from the people or person you love the most. I can't deny my love for her, its inevitable, that she is my soul mate. So many time has passed but my love and I know her love for me is constant.

Have you ever looked at your phone in that sense thinking I wonder how she is, what she is doing. Why cant she love me back in that way we once had. What made her stop feeling for me. I thought she would wait for our forever. Is this where it all should end, where we both go our sperate ways. Why cant I accept this that she isnt mine anymore that I am not her only one, the only woman she wants to be with.
I miss her emails, her text. Her face her smile. Gosh i miss her and only her can complete me.
yet i should let her go.

There is a quote that goes, If they don't return they were never yours to start with.
Forever & Always
Bunny

Reflection of a Faceless Woman

Reflection of a Faceless Woman

It started 4 years ago, the dream started with myself and the life I thought I would have with my ex fiancé when all of a sudden the dream we’ve both had turned into something that came surprisingly, but also something that I always knew I was hiding deep down inside of my heart. I never wanted to give it any thought; I forced myself not to let my mind drift to the thoughts that didn’t leave my mind. As whenever my boyfriend would touch me in places I wanted to vomit. As I would feel his tongue enter my mouth. I would focus myself not to pull away because in some way I did want this. I loved this guy with all my heart. Wanted a family and built a home with him. We were together 2 years, but as the time went on I started to feel different within myself. I didn’t feel like I fit into this picture that I have helped created with him. I no longer could see us being married, or the kids we both so badly wanted.

It’s one-day that I typed out this email to him and it I expressed myself in ways I never thought I would.

Dear Chase

The words that I always wanted to say just never could reach my mind, when you look into my eyes I know it says forever, but deep inside I feel that our story has come to an end. I know this might hurt you and perhaps one day we would find our way back to each other, because I will love you for as long as my heart would let me.

Being with you has taught me a lot about who I am, with you I didn’t have to pretend you accepted me for who I was and that was all I ever wanted, someone to look at me and see someone real, someone to be loved and to love you back. You have given me apart of your heart and I just wish I could have given you more than what you deserve.

As for this, this isn’t me saying goodbye for good, but this is me saying I want to be happy within myself.

As the email was sending off to him I never received any reply. He disappeared from my life since that day. But it wasn’t just because I had to let him go, or me breaking his heart. No it was about me being afraid of what my dream was telling me.

This dream seemed to be so real. The way I met her, the way everything in that dream turned from the husband I once had to the fact there was now a woman replacing him.

Four years of having this dream, it seemed someone was sending me a sign that I was sitting on something big where my orientation was concern.

The near fact that I could actually not be completely straight.

She was there always, her red hair, all I know is I can see her, feel her, touch her, but I have never seen her face as I would anyone else.

And it bothered me because I cant see her face, I want too I force myself too see if I can touch her shoulders and if she would turn around to face me, but never.

It’s a recurring dream that would constantly come in the last few years.

I always dream of this woman who has no face, however, I have a feeling that I know her. This dream keeps coming back. Just the locations would always change, but it’s always the same woman I dream about.

Face in dreams is a symbol of identity. When you see a faceless person in your dream, it may mean that there is a person that confuses you. He or she may be showing you mixed signals and you fail to identify the real intention of this person up to this moment. This dream may also mean you are hiding things about yourself and you have fears that they will be exposed. This is how I interpret dreams such as this one.

So for all this time i'm asking myself what am I confuse about. Who is she? Will I meet her? Will I one day come to terms that truthfully I am a lesbian myself.

The first year after my relationship with Chase ended I started to dig deep, I start asking a friend of mine some questions because I had no one else to talk to about this.

I was scared to be gay; I was scared to feel things for a woman. Yet deep down I always had this emotion that I surely am not completely straight.

Its months later that I had my first encounter with a woman online and through our conversations I started to feel things I have never in my life felt for a guy. She just lit me up, sending butterflies and all those things I use to hear women talk about. I’ve never felt this and it got me scared, because I was slowly developing feelings for her that I wanted more of her and the more I wanted the deeper the emotions felt that I scared myself and run away from the intense feelings she was giving me. That one night I called up my ex Chase and ran into his arms.

This is where I got my answers. This is where I finally accepted that this is who I am, who I have always been.

I was born this way, but I was trapped within myself. For 18 years I was living a lie. A lie that slowly, but surely ate me up from deep inside.

The fact i’m still living inside the closet hoping that one-day I will have enough courage to be myself. To love myself for whom I am. That it doesn’t really matter who I love, or who i’m with, but that I’m complete with my own self.

So many of us are out there, we hide under our fears.

I like how Ricky Martin said it in his book, “ From the moment I wrote the first phrase, I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that was too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And this is something worth celebrating.”

That’s Ricky’s voice.

This is my voice; this is what I knew I always was. Even though people work so hard to get me to otherwise.

A Lonely Closet

It’s been a hard and lonely period

Coming to this stage

Where everything inside

Gets clostaphobic

I can stand the stench

The feeling of not

Knowing what to wear,

I start to think

Just what if I unpack

All my clothes

And run through

My lonely closet

Where I'm more lost

And alone to get out,

Scared of the things,

The words that may hurt

Deep leaving scars

Upon my heart.

A lonely closet,

But it shouldn't be

If you just take

Your own leg and left it out.

Hoping that it won't

Get butchered by

The ignorance of humans.

As I slowly climb out

One by one leaving

My door open.

Hoping that once

I'm out I won't

Get shut out.

But I can't sit in this

Closet alone forever,

I want to enjoy

The fun with other

Like-minded humans.

Who would love me?

No matter what.

That's when I'll

Empty my closet.

Or I could safely kept

In my head and heart

 Behind the closet door

To describe me you see

 I am a woman,

I am a daughter,

 I hope to be a mother,

 I am a human being

I don't have a lifestyle,

 I have a life

Why do we have labels?

Such a neat and tidy label

 To paste on me.

It doesn't begin to describe

 All that I am

But it could make you change

 The way you see me

The way your expectancy

About me

That being bisexual, to me,

 Means love without boundaries.

Loving someone for the person they are

And I really don't give a damn,

 How you may think that sounds

I love a person, not a gender

I know that you find this

 So very hard to comprehend

But if I try to explain myself,

 Would it matter?

If I told you I was gay,

 Would you understand?

I’m no longer trapped I know who I am. I slowly have let people know that I am different. But that fear of losing my closets friends would always hold me back from coming out completely.

I can tell one thing it took me 2 years to accept myself completely as being gay. I was the most happiest and also found love in the last 2 years and yes hearts gets broken its just a way of life.

“I thought, well, this is just the phase bit. Sooner or later I'm going to start finding men attractive. I never did. As I became more attracted to women, and I still wasn't getting attracted to men, I thought, shit, you're gay. And it was really quite a shock when it hit me.”

With time, someone who is gay will realise that not only are they sexually attracted to members of the same sex, but that this attraction is not transitional. This realisation could come at any time during their lives. Many people become aware of gay feelings during their teenage years, as this is when they begin to learn more about their sexuality and identity. However, the difficulties associated with accepting these feelings and coming out mean that many gay people don't identify themselves as gay until much later on in life.

art reflects emotions(part of my therapy)

Does art express emotions?

As we have seen, an artwork can tell stories or depict ideas; it can be realistic or abstract. However, for some people, the most important issue in art is that it expresses or stirs emotions. Art can be a record of what the artist is feeling and, at the same time, it can bring about emotional reactions in the viewer. In the 20th century, this type of art has been called Expressionist Art. There are expressionistic features within many different art styles and movements. Artists make choices about color, line, texture, and composition to evoke or express feelings. Sometimes this leads to abstracting a subject to make it more expressive. 

The Following sketches was sketched by my own hand. I have started using my sketching as part of my therapy, it sort of way to release my feelings.





Girl playing guitar





angle on cloud

Art 
as 
Philosophy of Healing

Nobody can imagine their life as full without art. Art is creation, play, beauty, communication, intuitionÖ All of these are ART. But what is the meaning of art, what is its true purpose? 
 Artists express their emotional world through art, and the spectators or readers let this world pass through the realm of their sensuality.  

What art influences directly is feelings, and through the human feelings and soul it makes an impact on the personality itself. 
 Emotions in art are special:

ï Feelings in art pass over to a spectator through mediators, that is, from an object, to the author, the material, the interpreter, and to the recipient. Therefore the art not only mirrors the world, but also represents it, gives it an expression.  ï Feelings and emotions in real life have different colouring, both negative and positive. Emotions in art are always positive. 
ï Emotions in art have social implications, and they always have something in common with the original feelings experienced by every human being, so an artist never experiences merely a simple emotion, but rather a kind of a general social feeling.

Through feelings, art reaches the inner world of a human being, inspires us and makes us humane, creates a 'personality' within a person. Art can bring up and develop this personality and, as a result, solve pedagogical and psychological problems. Moreover, art is a psycho-therapeutic remedy for a soul, a means of psychological and psychic relief. It is here that art can assist medicine.

By Styxx

Fallen

A Poem by Styxx

for Fallen Wings

How can you comfort someone all alone

How can you tell them that all will be fine

Just want to hold close those who’ve been left prone

By those cherished whose lives they did define

Life is not over just taking a turn

Lose not your hope, in your mind they are seared

Cherished in your heart a tribute will burn

They guide your pen, let it be revered

Continue onward be strong persevere

When you feel lost know that you have allies

When you feel blinded by all of the tears

We are your aid, hold you up, and arise!

Though times seem bleak don’t embrace misery

Life must go on each day a victory

© 2011 Styxx

I want to share this poem on my blog it wasn't written by me. But it was written for me on another site, Writers.org. He was kind enough to give me authority to share this here but all credit goes to Styxx.
You can find his work here link: Styxx .

Meaning of my name *CHIMNESE*

This has been a stepping stone for me as , I have always wanted to know what my name really meant. It must have some meaning. For years I have tried on the internet yet nothing. Until I met a wonderful friend Krislin who has helped me on thsi voyage of searching the true meaning of my name. Krislin has made it a quest too go around asking her friends and people who would know.

This is what she has come up with. To be honest she has made me a happy person today.

Her information on my name Chimnese:

March 21, 2011

Dear, I did a little search on your name.. And it has relation to a legendary animal...

I am not too sure if it was right so I am going to do more reading before concluding and then share with you..

That was the first part of this quest...

There was more I would search for it.

March 25, 2011 ( The completed meaning)

Hey, my dear.. I am back.. Yep, done with your name.. But really, I am not sure if it is right..

Have you heard of the 9 dragons in Chinese culture that said to be living in Heaven?

I went around asking a few of my colleagues and they gave the same answer as the meaning of your name is origin from a dragon by the name of Qilin, a chinese mythical figure which comes in pair. They do not exactly look like the normal dragons. Instead, they are considered to be one of the guards, guarding the entrance.

In short, your name is not exactly all Chinese Culture related but rather a tribute in the Chinese from the legend which most people does not learnt about.. :)

I hope I have answered your question and I went 'wow' upon learning the origin of your name. I didn't know it has such deep and rich meaning and legend..
Thank You Krislin for your help, I dont know how to thank you, but I am grateful for your help my friend.

I truly think I was meant to meet you through our words...I hope thsi friendship grows for years to come.

So guys there you have it the meaning behind my name, Chimnese.

Skillet - Whispers in the dark (Official Music Video HD) Subtitles Engli...

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is
Just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark

No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark


What Do You Hide Behind Your Eyes

Your eyes hide pain and sorrow. Maybe you keep things to yourself, to pervent worry or concern from your friends and family. Your tears are only seen by you and you plan to keep it that way. The only place you cry is when you are alone. Maybe you feel lost... or alone. If you do feel lost or alone, you are not the only one who feels that way. I feel like that everyday, because I am so misunderstood. People may not be understanding you right now, because you may not have them the complete story or you are talking to the wrong people. i know it is hard, but make them listen for once. I did that and things were better for a while. PS: If you feel alone, go to Youtube and type in Whispers In The Dark. It is a song from Skillet, but it is a really good song. It is also best if you listen to the offical music video. Tell me if you like the song please.

Never Meant To Hurt U, Its Just How I am

I get so busty and I shut you out
And You don't have a clue what that's about
You're probably thinking that I'm getting mad at you
I should take the time to just explain
That you're the only thing that keeps me sane
Cause that would really be the kindest thing to do
Even though there's no one who is closer to my heart
I can see that I have kept you in the dark

Sometimes I forget
Sometimes I don't think
To show the things I feel and to tell you what I mean
But There is not a day
That ever passes by
That I don't thank god
That I've got you in my life
If you have any doubts of what my love is about
I just wanted you to know

I wouldn't blame you if you turned away
But I'd be begging you to stop and stay
You're more important to me than I ever show
So if you're thinking I don't care as much
That I don't appreciate your love
Well I'd be devastated if you let me go
Oh I hate to think I didn't give you the attention you deserved
So I'm hoping now that you believe these words

Sometimes I forget
Sometimes I don't think
To show the things I feel and to tell you what I mean
But There is not a day
That ever passes by
That I don't thank god
That I've got you in my life
If you have any doubts of what my love is about
I just wanted you to know

I just wanted you to know
I just wanted you to feel what I feel for you
I just wanted you to know

Sometimes I forget
Sometimes I don't think
To show the things I feel and to tell you what I mean
But There is not a day
That ever passes by
That I don't thank god
That I've got you in my life
If you have any doubts of what my love is about
I just wanted you to know




lastnight i was listening to this song, and i usually listened to it, but not a while since yesterday, after you said, i sometimes dont think what it does to you when all i keep doing is pushing you away, that isnt what i was doing, i was just trying to get better, to get through the pain and i know its wrong, that we in this together, but how do i change that, ive tried for months...
I wouldn't blame you if you turned away
i really wouldnt......but i wish you wudnt...

I get so busty and I shut you out
And You don't have a clue what that's about
You're probably thinking that I'm getting mad at you
I should take the time to just explain

i tried to reach out, but i am just designed to be alone, not holding onto someone who cant stand my ways. i can't change i have tried, but just know i did miss you every night as i look at your picture...

There is a light shining, i just gotta find it...

They can say,
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me,
And they can try
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or loose faith in my dreams

'Cause there's,
There's a light in me,
That shines brightly,
They can try,
But they can't take that away from me
From me

No no nooo

Oh they,
They can do
Anything they want to you,
If you let them in,
But they won't ever win,
If you cling to you pride, and just push them aside,
See I,
I have learned,
There's an inner peace I own,
Something in my soul that they can not possess
So I won't be afraid and the darkness will fade

'Cause there's,
There's light in me me,
That shines brightly, yes
They can try,
But they can't take that away from me

No oh oh,
They can't take this
Precious love I'll always have inside me,
Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go

Woah, woah
They can say
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I won't face the ground,
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach,
Although they do try,
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to fall,
Tell me what I believe or loose faith in my dreams,
'Cause there's a light in me,
That shines brightly yes

They can try but they can't take that away from
Me
From me
No no nooo
Me


Lastnight as i was typing away on my keyboard, i pulled up a playlist of the most depressing songs to fill my mind and trying to recoop my emotions, of the feelings of emptiness and like the world has taken alot from me, and as i came to switch my playlist to a difrent set of songs, this song appear in it, i turned up the volume onto my Ipod as i let these words fill me...as i was listening tears formed into my eyes, as my fingers couldnt stop from typing, it was like a force letting out the words to the screen..

Then i came to this parts and it was really sumtin i needed to make me realise that i can get over this dark cloud that is hanging over me..

They can do
Anything they want to you,
If you let them in,
But they won't ever win

This is what that means to me, they can try, people that is out to hurt you, they can try, they can think they have won, but they dont...but it all depends on you to not give them the power over you.


They can't take this
Precious love I'll always have inside me,
Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go
there is something bigger then human bondage, God, his guidance over your heart and soul..

They can say
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I won't face the ground,
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach,
Although they do try,
How to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to fall,
Tell me what I believe or loose faith in my dreams,
'Cause there's a light in me,

when trouble came to my life, i wanted to give it all up...  I was down and just wanted to cut ties with everyone around me, that is what i ahve done, i am cutting myself off from the people who i know loves me, i ahve even thought of hurting myself because i just couldnt bare the pain that was filtering through my body. Suddenly i realized i was lonely, that i am vulnerable and shouldnt be alone, so last night i just kept listening to this songs all alone just pouring those words out...i thought about the times i couldnt walk or able to enjoy life, i thought about the people who is feeling exactly like me. I am still troubled, my heart is wandering and i want it to still, i asked God how do i do that, how can i be that person to feel like i am complete...i dont think another person can fill that place...i can be surrounded by many people yet deep down i am still alone and frightened of whtas next..
But at the end i am here, i am alive, i should be happy, because there is this light within me, and its only in your darkest hours you see this light shining through you..

That is what they cant take away from me. My strenght, my ability to overcome anything life throws in my path...this is a journey..

tears & emotions well up inside

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

this song when i first heard it, it brought tears to my eyes, and four years later here i am again stuck on this song..thinking on how i am going to fix this..how i am going to be that person i know i can be without falling too pieces.
I listen to this song, every time I'm sad, every time I have these tears that-like the song says- are streaming down my face.
It reminds me the feeling when nothing goes right, when u think this is the end, that everything's wrong and u can't see the light.. For me its like when ur down, look at the facts, the past and ur past actions and review them.I think this has happened to so many people, cry when u don't want to but u can't avoid it..
When you can't do anything else, when you've tried your best but still things are not how you want them to be, don't give up but don't keep on it if its not the best.. maybe the best is to let it go and later you'll find out.

 I've learned from past mistakes and other's and I can say proudly that some things that I thought were so bad, weren't at the end of the day and I learned to trust in God and destiny when there's nothing left to do. I think this song is also about taking chances life gives us, don't stay there and wait for life to go, u have to take what life gives you and if you don't like it change it and turn it into something great. And at the end, when you do everything and still destiny is an unfair player, I'll be there for you, whenever you need me, I'll stay to fix you.

What does poetry mean to You & Me

A passion of expression and thought of a part of my life.
We talk to the world those who claim to be poets. In our minds the wonder of the word is in the image and feel created.

Voice and smooth lets the mind escape to places only where the dreams live. Like a lyre in days of old playing to the words to comfort the beast.

Each heart grasps contentment. Poetry is a bonding agent. It takes the reality and blends it into need, freedom and a mode of expression that allows emotion to flow and take each person from the world in which they live to the world where their soul will go. Historical forms and groupings to guide and instruct each of us in the presentation add to the mystic. It is however; mind-vision and the heart-felt desire that makes the page come alive and sing to the audience.For me poetry has become a way to share knowledge gained. Challenge all thought process, give message from young to old, share what I can see, report, and taste every aspect of being alive. Convert all to a communication form that allows each person to take away only what they need at that particular point in their life. I let the words surround me listen to the beauty of their presence, the music created, escape to rest and peace. ..

Transformation

i was transformed into a new being..i lived up my spirit to Him that has been eager to give a helping hand...

feeling new and feel like the old was washed away from the things i have put pass me....so its the first day of being back at work..so i was little unsure of how my first day would turn out but so far so good..
we always hear people talking about new beginnings, about how they going to make sure the new year start of right..do most of us ever live by that rule..cos i dont...i dont make new years resolutions, i just hope and pray that i will do it in a manner that wouldnt hurt anybody else...2010 has been tough not just for me but for so many of us..we dig int this year and think hey its new years why dont we throw a big bash..nah..i did it differently i attended church...and i am so much happier going there...
we all like to start on working on our goals we have almost forgotten through 2010...come 2011 we all say this is what we going to do, and that is what we going to do...
i was basically near the deaths door, and with God on my side, he turned me away from that door..i am alive and i am so happy that with all that i have been through i can say thank you to God and all my friends who has been with me, who prayed as hard as i did..
a challenge can be overcome in different ways..if e are going to let this bad and the envious voices fill our minds with negativity...I HAVE OVER COME THE DARKNESS...AND BELIEVE ME WHERE I HAVE BEEN IN, ITS NOT A GOOD PLACE TO BE SEEING..

but enough about that its all good now..im here and i am going to embrace life for what it is...I AM GOING TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE..
whether its by my writing are by my drawing..its going to fullfil my heart with so much passion...life is good and i can finally say...This is a good place to be in..Dont let anybody take that away from you...your worthy of everything life sends your way..

much peace and love to all.

i leave you wit this quote: The most sacred place dwells within our heart, where dreams are born and secrets sleep, a mystical refuge of darkness and light, fear and conquest, adventure and discovery, challenge and transformation. Our heart speaks for our soul every moment while we are alive. Listen... as the whispering beat repeats: be...gin, be...gin, be...gin. It's really that simple. Just begin... again.
Royce Addington

Beginning of a New Era

Months ago i wrote a poem the end of an Era...and that certainly was the end of mine..the things i have been through in 2010, the bad, the sad, and the lost of a loved one...

This is my first blog for the new year....so i started my new year by attending church...it was my first year i attended church on new years eve, but it was what i was serviced to do...i believe God moves us..in every central of ourlives..his there no matter what...and how grateful i am he took a chance on me...
i am blessed every day when i wake up and say morning to the new day...
now we are in 2011...how many of us thought we would be here...or see this year...every year i always reflect on the things i have been through, but instead i havent put it out there...i did write a poem...about a heart reflecting...it was my way of seeing how far i have come and what is still in store for me..i am hoping for good things...i am hoping i will be reunited with my gf as soon as things financially gets worked on...i am also currently waiting on new jobs on the horizon, i have attended interviews and hopefully more will come with the agency that i have signed up with...i know if u just going to sit and wait nothing gets done..so i did to some actiona, i called them up and when fr the interview...
time is all we gotta have in this life..
i am also hoping to get some agents to have a lookout for my book...i have writtten a 17 chapter novel. on a love story between females...i hope after i received it back from a great friend of mind who offered to proofread it for me i can start sending out propasals, i have a few names in mind to send them out too...also my poetry has been going well...i have send out one manuscript to a publisher already..and one of my poems will get published in all things girl...its a online magazine dedicated to just female writers and authors..amazing..so this year has alotta prospects for me and my loved ones...my relationship with a beautiful amazingly stunning girl has wet through so many hardships yet we are making it work daily..i believe if u serious about something u gotta work on it..u cant just let it run on its own...
do you guys think past lives exist? and can you explain to me..and what about soul connections...i have been on this journey and this topic for awhile beacuse i hear alot about it..
i hope you guys can help me out..
i hope that this is going to be an amazing journey for myself and my gf...we love each other..
happy new year to all and i wish you love and peace..