Connections

In the long journey I've travelled through times of hardships and endure the sufferings of my actions.
I've come to know who I am in this journey and I've also been reflecting on things I've come to understand about the human race. That we are all connected through certain planes. It’s not just through bloodlines but its more than that it’s something supernatural.
It happened so that we as a being have many dimensions. I am not just a human with a flesh, but I have many dimensions and so the journey starts for me, that if I've moved 2years ago to Philippines I wouldn't have known my spiritual dimension. If I've never let go of my first and second relationships I wouldn't have known the depth of love for them and using that love not to break me as it did, but to use it as a basis to find out what's within me. Who am I?
In the last 2 years I've come face to face with many dimensions of my SELF. The broken vessel I once was, was holding me back from progressing in life, I held onto my previous relationships afraid that if I let go, I'd lose who I became while I was with them. Never knowing that I was taking something very valuable from myself. Firstly my happiness, my dreams, and my aspirations I was even taking away people from myself.
Then in 2011 those dimensions was attacked from within. My lack of self confidence, my personality, my character. The human flesh I've been trying to heal was a waste of time because I had too many hidden emotions that I couldn't connect to my soul and to the spiritual realm of my other dimension. The pure dimension that wasn't coming through.
I gave over to the flesh and my link to the spirit world disconnected.
In doing so my flesh feeding my mind that I need lots of people around me and that's how I'd be happy, that I must find relationships that I wouldn't have to deal with my own issues instead focus on these relationships so that I know I'll be needed and wanted and I'd receive all the applauses.
You know what I lied to myself thinking I had it all under control. I had the so called best relationships and they would love me forever and ever. Even though I did fall in love and I did want to move to Philippines and make that dream we've had of marriage and family. I came to only understand that my own plans wasn't full proof and my own desires won't come to pass if I'm in the flesh, three of my relationships ended up really bad for me, the last one used me so much that I believed the lie that this person  fed my mind for 4 months.
That is where I started to realize that the flesh is harming me and I needed to go back not to who I was before I met them, but who I was when God first entered my life. It was that dimensions in the last year between 2011 and 2012 that was faced down on my face having to come face to face with my old version the many faces of that being and asking for forgiveness for His mercy.
My journey it was heavy, it was stormy it was raining thunder and lightning strike at me and that's when I knew if I don't take this  as a sign I'd never know what it is to be healed or happy or to feel joy.
We are here in 2012 my journey; my dimensions of who I am came to be full circle. The healing started and if I didn't connect to the spiritual realm, to the universe I wouldn't have known Chimnese.
I have a book out a journey that I was able to walk with God. I believe that if I wasn't full made by His supernatural powers. If I've not let go of those people, relationships or groups of people I wouldn't have come to meet this dimension I am now. The people I know in my life now was meant to come in my life, and if I've held onto the people from the past I'd miss out on the beautiful connections I've met now.
We are all connected through the spiritual realm, we might not have met the other in person, but in other dimensions we have. Like the new people I've met on Sunday at my book launch, an instant connection happened because I didn't feel uneasy around these people. It was like in another dimension we've met, it was God ordained that's why. The whole journey was ordained by the most high. That if we acquire relationships that are man made it wouldn't be so powerful that your spirit feels at ease. When I feel that my spirit is comfortable that's when I know I am meant to be at this place at this exact moment in time. That I've travelled through planes and spaces to get to that pivotal moment in my life. Where I know like they say in Afrikaans, "dis vol bring" and it. Definitely is but I know that I am who I am because I've connected to the spirit of God and God's supernatural powers lives within us no matter who I was or where I came from, what matters is that you never let the flesh over take your life.
I'm still going to be travelling through my dimensions and planes and God my father, my spiritual growth will grow in stages.
I am on a journey and love me for all my imperfections. I'm loved and I'm happy and knowing that all this came together when one night I had the encounter in my bedroom with the most high father.
God is love.

Angel’s Cry~ Personal Devotion

8 May 2012

Sometimes in life things can go barren, we lose ourselves to the world. We like little minions that were created by the flesh.  A life without any thoughts of any remorse, we hurt, we betray, we deny each other. We want to win over our peers and we would do just about anything to reach that goal.

I use to be one of those people who chased after the things of this world. I had it all I felt on top of this world, nothing and no one could ever take me off that high I was. In that time I was hurting people who loved me, I took people for granted. I thought nothing of the next person because I saw myself above them. I am not the only one I have seen a few others doing the same mistake, but I learn.

I learn the hardest way what I was doing to the people who I did love. I did love them. My love for them wanted to be in charge, in control. I didn’t want them to see my scars, my fears, the things that I was hiding.

All the demons that I had to overcome.

I lost everything, I lost the love of my life, my soul mate everything that was dear to my heart my best friend.

Losing everything, I also lost myself in the meantime.

When your world gets taken away from you. Having all those people. The relationships the once that didn’t mean so much to me, became just a way for me to not deal with the actual issues that arise at the time.

Losing everything I learnt you can always gain something better. It wasn’t an easy process. Certain things in life get taken away from us then we wonder, but why. If I questioned God on all the things that have happened, especially with my friend who lost her son a few months ago? Perhaps her grief is different then mine, but isn’t all grief in some way the same. My grief lasted ten years and hers is still fresh. I wish I can take away her pain, the sadness that is whirling inside of her.

In this life as hard as it gets at times we just got to hold onto God. We need him to survive this race humans are set on.

The minions that was placed on this earth to dement our souls. They suck our emotions in gather all the information about us and set out to attack. I use to be avenging whoever hurt me I had to fight back. That was who I was it was how I learnt to defend myself, I became someone that isn’t the real me, but who says that wasn’t me I mean anger eats at the core of your soul. All I wanted when I was like that was to have someone hold me and tell me I am loved. I wanted to be loved by my parents, but they couldn’t always supply my needs. As I grew up I fallen into a life of alcohol did all kinds of things, but did I learn from that life.

Oh yes I did. While I lost everything and became ill I wandered for days, weeks, months inside my house not a friend came by. Nobody but one person came to my need. She was always the one that would come and look to see if I am doing alright. I treasure her friendship, even my cousin’s girlfriend she became my spiritual sister. I could open up to someone besides my therapist at the time. I needed them and God has heard my prayers. God released me off all those demons that were inside of me. I was ill for over two years my body just failed on me, I felt like Job when he was attacked by Satan and all around him tells him why you praise a God that doesn’t care about your well being. “The night drags on, and I toss till dawn… My days are swifter, than a weaver’s shuttle flying back and forth. They end without hope…I will never again experience pleasure.”

I lost hope in myself; I thought no good can come off this. I wanted to die; suicide was all I could think about. I even heard the devil telling me you’ve lost everything, nobody loves you.

So deep in my depression I was lost in an underground world filled with dark alleys. I could see all the people I love being happy laughing at my failure.

I failed myself I didn’t know God could get me out of where I was. I didn’t want to believe at that time that this too shall past. When you lost alone and grieving on your own nobody, but your own negative thoughts flowing through your mind. Nobody could done for me, nobody could have said, “This isn’t going to last, that pain your feeling that is life, that is to show you that there is pain in this world and it depends on how we deal with that pain.

I was a sinking ship, I tumbled over I gave into the flesh that was breaking me down from the inside. You know I was in pain and I could feel it, but look how Satan works he makes me believe I was going insane at one point. Job he lost everything, his kids, his wealth, his health everything.

He had sores on his body, he was un aching pain. You can’t ever feel his pain if you never experience it, I was under an attack. My soul was up for the prize that’s going to win this battle, the flesh, Satan or am I going to rise above it all overcome it and accept God as my savior.

Job’s wife she advised her husband to curse God and die. But Job’s suffering led him to God’s grace. He prayed: “I had heard about you before, but now I’ve seen you with my own two eyes, I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

Job chose to live through the suffering and learn God’s lesson for him.

While I was dealing with my own suffering between 2010 & 2011 it was the darkest times of my life.

I was a Christian since 2008, but you see I had to be learn a lesson and this was the most powerful lesson I had to face.

For the remaining of my suffering I did it all on my own. I didn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t attend church. I stopped believing in myself and that I was a good person. I start to ask myself out loud, what does it mean to be a good person yet you fall into all the bad luck that is coming my way. First life was good I was happy had a great life or so I always thought. But deep down in my soul I wasn’t completely happy in this life. I wanted to die I even asked to die. I was that person lost in her own pain. I didn’t want people to know what I was going through, I didn’t want anyone’s pity, I also didn’t want to pity myself, I fall so deep into my depression, my aching body stopped working as I could barely get out of bed, I couldn’t walk for awhile since my muscles was hurting so much that all I wanted to do is sleep and never to get up.

This life can pull over you; you can lose your way. I am not perfect. I cried each night tears were never dried up. I was so lost that it felt like God has even neglected me. I prayed in those nights, Satan wanted me in his corner, but I push through. I wasn’t going to let him use my past, my mistakes to win this battle. I tell you it’s the worst kind of pain to be going through. I wanted to heal. “God heal me.” I cried. Seeing my mother’s pain she didn’t know what was happening, I couldn’t tell her she wouldn’t understand me, but she didn’t leave me alone in this, she got me pastors, church people to pray for me together we fought the demon that was attacking me, my soul was at risk.

People left me alone; I knew God removed them he knew I didn’t need them to be with me. I will never be ashamed of where I was, I will never be ashamed to know that I was battling for my life.

You know October 2010 I lost my uncle.

There I was already fighting to stay alive as I fell ill yet again. I didn’t have strength. I couldn’t fight it any longer. I said, “ God I can’t do this anymore.” with tears in my eyes to be saying those words as another pastor came to pray for me a week or so after the death. She said to me, “Don’t question this, God he has a plan for you. He’s going to take you through victory.” I kept her words inside me I remembered it.

You know everything that has been stolen from me has been returned ten fold, but I am coming out, it was a new season for me, 2012 was a new season for me because it says, “Be The Miracle, Here am I and the children whom the Lord has given me! We are for signs & wonders” Isaiah 8:18

What happened in 2011 was part of the plans. I never knew or even imagined I would be here sitting and writing this to you. I didn’t even believe in myself. That all that pain could just fall of my back and give me a second chance at life.

I am a miracle, I am someone, just a person who wandered around in a sinful life and once I asked forgiveness and repent my sins all heavens cleared.

I am washed with joy, I have never known true happiness without being in a relationship, and I am single. And I came to be content with what I have. Seeing things differently now, that my past doesn’t and shouldn’t define who I was. But what matters is the now the person who I am and who I am still going to be in the future. Our God is amazing his super awesome dad that can mend my broken heart. He can restore almost anything as it was, but just better. You see as I was going through this transformation in the last four months of 2012 it wasn’t easy, it was hard, but it was something I would never swap for anything in my life, not even for the love of my life.

I prayed throughout my depression, I wasn’t alone in my depression God was there keeping me safe from doing harm to myself.

Awhile ago I read that depression is something from Satan, he likes putting us in hell for us to give up on trusting God to heal us.

A temporary issue we want to prolong for years, it took me two years to admit I had a problem.

I couldn’t do it on my own I needed to speak to someone. A good therapist and she truly understood me, but while she was healing some scars for me, I met my spiritual friend, my cousin’s girl friend, what a blessing she has been, she has the spirit of discernment she cares about my well being about me getting better. She didn’t give up on me she prayed with me and encouraged me. God must have heard my tears over the years when I was sitting alone in my room crying and being angry at the world for giving me so much grief.

She told me, “Your latter will be greater than your past. That all things are possible.” And she knows I have been through hell, and just God knew what I have been through, no matter what has been done that my future will be greater than my past.

We just need to ask God to heal us.

We have power inside of us, we have a light coming through and the enemy he wants to struck us down, but as I read, our silence gives us strength and confidence to overcome our enemies.

I hand it all over to God, my worries, my concerns. I can’t ever exist in a world where God isn’t my centre. He’s my all.

I experience contentment, happiness and joy when I was in a relationship I was mostly miserable, I don’t trust people, but I trust God and he is showing me how to love myself again. Everyday I love myself more than any other person in my life. I want to know more of God, I crave knowing what he has in store for me next, and that through my life storms knowing I have him on my side my ship isn’t sinking at all. My ship is stable and it’s warm.

My soul is reaching new voyages. I want to be a disciple. I want to be someone who’s able to carry out his word to those ones lost still. If you a sheep still lost and busy finding there way. Don’t hinder far from him his ever loving God of wanders.

As my friend is going through her grief I know that she isn’t alone in this, she has a father that won’t ever forsake her.

He’s there comforting her each day. Grief happens in life we can’t run from grief we also can’t avoid feeling it, blocking it will just prolong the pain. But God his the perfect love that will be her strength just like he is any mother who has lost a son or a daughter, every person who has lost a father or a mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle, aunt, cousin, he hears our prayers.

Scriptures that has carried me through April 2012

Each day in April I walked around with a scripture throughout my day and at the end of the day I will meditate on it and pray.

Rom8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love GOD, to those who are called according to his purpose.

Rom6:14

For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

Isaiah 30:15

In returning and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.

Psalm 119: 28

My soul melts of heaviness, strengthen me according to your word.

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Heb13:5

Let your conduct be without covetousness, be content with such things as you have. For he said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Rom 16: 20

And the God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly.

Psalm 42:11

Why are you cast down, oh my soul? And why are you disquieted within me. Hope in God for I shall not praise him. The help of my countenance and my lord.

Psalm 27: 14

Wait on the lord. Be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart. Wait I say on the lord.

Phil 4:13

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.