Spanish Guitar

My inspiration came one night as I was slowly playing the chords on my guitar.
I could only imagine the tune that filled the night air as I could get lost in the beauty of the sensation that was stringing through my fingertips.
Spanish guitar you've seen my tears, you've given me hope to carry on for another day. I've made my life fulfilling after the one my heart beats for left me. With you my Spanish guitar those lonely nights turned out to be the best nights of my life.

A mended heart

Tears and pain, heartache and bitterness, lost, alone, memories of unkindness.
One day you look back onto that heartbreak, that shattering never again going to find a love like that sense is dwelling through my mind. Blocking you out like you've never existed, never wanting to see your face or hearing your name your face all summed up one empty painful feeling emotion.

Time passing by, moments becomes manifested as something that you no longer hold on, the grudges, the bitter resentment feelings all run away out of you leaking like blood that no longer serves me any purpose. That's when I realize that I've received a new heart, a mended one that's fixed and ready to enjoy life again.

I see everything clearly now, no more dark passages lurking, no more me against the love- ending hatred that was once not mentioned by myself. I've now found a new beat in my step, a new walk, a new smile on my face, a life worth living with myself the center of it all.

Four Years

They say true romance never dies, yet the heart silently mourns what's been taken away. Through all the years from that first meeting in 2009 when we met, I knew at that very moment that you have done some profound changes within me. The love I've never known then would be the love that carried me through sickness and pain. Our love has never been easy, it’s been hard. The kind of love that won't just die and be forgotten. A year ago we've ended our relationship, but still deep down you're the girl I can still go to and know that you won't turn me away. The one that had been a constant in my life since that day in September. I knew then you were my soul mate, but yet we aren't with each other, sometimes soul mates doesn't always find there way back, but they always there to make sure the other needs a lift. Whenever you call me on the phone something in the both of our voices just sounds happier like a spark gets lighten. I don't know about you, I sometimes ask God. If she's not for me why is it that we are still in each others lives? When you told me you aren't over me, but you also said that we can't be. It doesn't hurt so much as before because I know what's inside my heart. I know that we are happier with how our lives have shaped. We will be better prepared for something more in the future, but if destiny doesn’t bring us back together, at least I've known what true love meant.

Author Note: This is a piece I have written yesterday while being enthralled by the muse of Love and Bliss.  I am sure there are many people out there who had found a love that was similar, a love that has been a constant, where that one person is still in your life and you became very good friends.. This is my story about my soul mate even though we are no longer together we are a vital part of each others lives.

Journey Home

Journey Home

I can only watch people pass me by, and know in some way they leave you with something behind, perhaps a memory or two. It's not about me losing them from my life, but it is a momentum of having been apart of their journeys. Our journeys shapes us into the form God wants us to be, to be able to fill our purpose in life. I am grateful for every person who has had an impact or some sort of life lesson I had to learn from them. People aren't meant to always stay in our lives, they do have other journeys to travel, and like me the ones that has left my life, is God's way to clear my life for new people to enter. We are not tied to anyone, not even our soulmates/twinflames/love of our lives. I have shown them love so they could carry on in their lives to show someone else love. In the depth of my soul/heart I know that a part of these people who's gone will stay with me for a number of years and as each day,week,month,year will move forward those memories would dissipate, but I believe that one day when I am old and happy with someone else that I have met along the path of my life, I will have a smile upon my lips and in that moment I will have a memory of someone I once loved and know that they are happy wherever they might be in their lives and while I am off drifting overlooking the beautiful lake outside my window, my beautiful wife will accompany me and tell me how beautiful I am. Even though the years have stretched, I grew into a beautiful elderly lady in her early sixties enjoying the peacefulness since our daughters and son moved on with there own lives.

This is my story 31 years from now, this would be my happy ending that God has promised me that one day he will send me someone that he has in store for me. At this point I will be a published author that has written books in numbers and that is the best dream I know and certainly worth the wait.

It was one winter’s morning as she stood inside of her kitchen overlooking the lake. It was one of the most exquisite views she has ever known. Especially since it was all hers and she had no intention to share this lake with anyone, but there was someone else beside her. Another person that she has met when she was 31 years old. She was from London, and the minute they set there eyes on each other it was love at first sight. It was something that Autumn never imagines could happen to her again. Her heart was broken after her first love has left and made a life with another. Even though Autumn kept telling herself that Grace meant nothing to her anymore that she has moved on people didn’t believe her. Reason why that was each book Autumn came out with was a tale of a lover being jaded her heart on her sleeve mourning a relationship that was once making her happy.

It was a blue eyed woman from London on her back pack through Europe in her early 30’s that has brought the lonely novelist to change her life and hoping that she will find happiness not just in her writing, but also her heart.

Jenna Huntington was 30 years of age never thought that she would fall in love with another woman, but it was the slightly tan skin woman from a different continent that has made Jenna believe that love carries no gender or age difference, that love is what you feel in your heart and nothing or anyone can ever take that away from her. When she met Autumn she couldn’t understand how a beautiful woman like herself was alone and always deep in thought. When I met her the first time at her book signing whilst later I found out she was actually backpacking through my country and also had an upcoming book she released. I have always read her books and buying them online, it’s not that I didn’t know who Autumn, the writer was, but it was days after meeting her at small pub not to far from where I was working. That was the day I actually introduced myself and conversing with her in conversation about literature, art and life I came to find out that she was a deep person that she holds so many things inside of her. Never opening up or letting another person to meet the indescribable person she was.
The effect to open yourself to another allows you into another person’s world and opens you up to perceiving their goodness. At the same time I was also investing apart of myself to her, enabling to love her the same way I loved myself.

It didn’t take Jenna long too decide what she wanted from that point on. The period that Autumn was in town they made it a point to dine and wine as much as they could, with Jenna’s work obligations and Autumn pursuing a lifetime dream of broadens her career world wide, London didn’t sound like a bad place to start doing this at all. When I met Jenna and found out she was an editor and loved most of the things I did, I knew I was send here for a reason I didn’t knew at that time, but this woman was predestined for me by the most high. My spiritual life has been my only lifelong relationship as it has never let me down over the years. At the age of 29 I had many things to overcome as I was torn between my life and another woman, Grace. I have loved her so very much, but it was inevitable I had to accept the fact that our love story was finally over when she met another woman. It took me a year afterwards for me to understand that sometimes love won’t last. There was a song at that time, Poison & Wine that I came to love at that point because the meaning of the lyrics spoke directly to my heart.

Sometimes you can love a person, but also there are certain things within that relationship that didn’t work out, so then you set out to live apart, but the love is ambivalent in their love with one another. They are unable to live without one another, but staying together is too painful. As much as they hate each other, they love each other that much more. It’s an addicting type of love that they are unable to control. The one manipulates the other and they both can because they both know how to deal with each other, because as hard as it is to be with each other it is even harder to be without. 

With Jenna it was different, it was unexpected and it was what I really needed in my life. My lonely nights was gone and forgotten because for the first time she made me want to live in a new country knowing that I wasn’t going to feel alone even when she was doing her own thing at times. Deep, intimate love emanates from the knowledge and giving it doesn’t come overnight, but overtime. Which means years after marriage?
That intensity you feel when you are in oneness with your own spirit and that of another being. That is when I knew I have found my soul mate. We both sewn the seeds of love and each time we say, “I love you” I can feel it coming from deep within that for once in my life I have not just been completed, but also that we both have grown spiritually connected.

Jenna has told me once this was just when we celebrated our 20 years together as a couple and as parents. She said, “A relationship has its ups and downs, but the downs can be really low and when you’re in one, you have three choices, leave, stay in a loveless relationship or choose to love your spouse.” I asked her which ones have she found with me.
She said, “Through everything you have been through in your life before me had a reflection on who I would be marrying, but I saw something more in you that the others never saw. They looked at your flaws and your imperfections, yet still tried to change you into how they want to love you. But I love you for all those things and so much more. Even when we do have our quarrels I know at the end we still love each other and that is why I am here with you and married to you and loving you for who you are.” My tears was falling down my face because she loves me and she never once said any foul words to me, not out of anger or anything else.
It was in this moment, this beautiful magnificent moment that I knew that this is my “Home”, that this woman beside me is my life and the fact that we are each others best friends and that God is our father. The realism of all that was once said about love and the meaning of love that you can love many people. You will fall in love with people, but there will come a time in your life when you just know that this person was created by the most high.

Our Vows
Today I stand here in front of all the people who love us and making this statement in honouring you as my partner in life. I have always said that I want to write my own vows and tell you how I feel about you, but I rather just say one word, “lost” I was lost before I met you. I was always searching for one significant moment in my life, and that moment was when I met you.
I found you Jenna, I fought hard to keep you, and you saved me. The day my world became clearer was the day you fixed my heart and in doing so I knew that people weren’t always going to leave. You made me feel again.
Jenna’s Vows

Autumn today I am just stating what has been in my heart since the very moment I have laid eyes on you. I didn’t even know that the intensity of our love would grow into something so beautiful, yet at times also confusing. I wont say that it has been an easy walk till today, but I can say this that it is worth it and it will be a blessing to know that we will be there for each other through out the decades. This isn’t just a marriage, it is a lifetime bond that we have come to and we will never be against each other, but for each other. We will lead God be our counsellor in times of troubles and we will always make it our duty to honour Him and bless our family. You’ve changed my life and I am glad that you chose me to share your life with. I love you from today onwards.

This is my journey, my home into finding a love story that was designed and created by God our father.

The End

Your love in scripted in words

I came across an old book you’ve given me years ago for our first anniversary. My fingertips grazed the words that were scribbled with black ink.

I forgot to remember that you always did that leaving me beautiful notes in books.

But it was the words that you said that brought a tear to my eyes.

You wrote: “Love is a very special thing that not many people truly experience in their lifetime. It is something that connects two people, like some hidden force that draws you to one person, the only person you want to be around. The sad thing is many people mistake lust for love and tries to disguise what they have as being love. Love is such a powerful thing that it could make people the happiest, everyone in the world wants to find it, but sometimes they never do. I have found the person I am in love with and I hope and pray that I’m the right person for you.

Remnants of our love affair.

Trails and tribulations is apart of life, It was apart of our lover’s quarrels

When I look back to the things the life I wish we could have had,

I use to feel depressed, hooked on medication of all sorts to get through

My days as sleep never came.

there you were going behind my back

As you start a new love affair with a friend it broke me .every vessel

Of my soul that once loved you., but you know what you have teach

Me a lesson about myself. I saw who I once was through your actions.

When I betrayed you with a friend,

When I lived with the guilt of hurting you

So deeply that I fallen into heavy depression.

I sometimes wander if others are so lucky like I have been,

How God just removed you out of my life,

I read a poem of Leonard Cohen, He’s heart was deeply bruised by a women

He wrote a book about longing. Months after you have denied me,

Pushed me aside like a piece of rubbish that has no use to you,

Yesterday you send me a song, “What about love”.

Those lyrics proved to me that you have been taking revenge on what I did.

After months of asking you to forgive me. You never did, until I closed off my heart to you.

You are right I have been hiding, not showing

You or her hurt I was in.

You tell me if I don’t want someone to care about me.

What about love, but all I can remember is the remnants of our love affair being over.

God Why The Tears

God Why the Tears

I am down on my knees as I don’t know

What’s too come of me anymore?

God why the tears,

The deafening pain upon my soul

Is crying towards the skies,

I feel captured in this whirlwind

Torrent of grief stricken pain,

Where must the changes happen?

Is it my thinking, the mindset?

God why the tears that is barren upon my soul,

I am writing these words and I feel the shivers

Of not knowing where or what to do anymore.

Where are you God in the midst of all my pain?

Trouble suffocates me, worry entangles me.

I can’t sleep at night. The suffering is eating me up

From inside out.

God why the tears. Why the suffering that’s lying upon my soul.

Do you hear me God?

Do you hear the echoes of my cries?

God you showed me in Job all the things I am going through,

The suffering the pain of his soul, his body withering.

God you heard me then are you still with me.

Are you close by making preparation?

God why the tears.

God I know my pain is internal, an emotional up roar

That’s never fixed, never shaken.

God please hear my cries today,

Bring peace to my weary soul.

 Amen?

AN: This poem is something that I am currently feeling, it's something that I am struggling with emotionally & spirituality. Please be careful how you comment on this poem.

Just a Memory

Just a memory of my past nothing to remember you by,
Lost with the faded memories, but just tell me how I can forget,
 how can I say goodbye to you.
I look around me and I remember that we can never be,
The pain in me goes, there's not  a day that goes by
That  a memory and all our dreams comes flashing passed my eyes,
As each time I've tried to forget so that I can bid farewell,
Where do I start, just tell me   how? It’s so easy for you to forget.
To move away from the life that we've lived,
There's days I sat in the dark as tear tracks fall down my cheek,
That's when it hits me as much as I want you to be just a memory
In my past, how can I forget the dreams we've shared,
And how I knew you cared, but why each time I let you back in,
You hurt me just to leave me once again, with no goodbye.
I am so tired of the tears and the pain to my heart,
I tried to love you like no other, but all it did was hurt me more.
Now that I know that we will never be, just a memory that's all
that’s left of who we once was.
The dreams and my life were heading somewhere all along I knew
if I let you back in I'll give up on holding the walls up.
 how do I stop loving you,  how do I say goodbye, because its not easy to forget
 a love that was once so pure and innocent,  a love that I wish could
Be chased away when memories
Comes back, you were more than just
 a memory, you were my world.

Inspired by the song, How do I stop loving you.

Where do brokenhearts go

Today my girlfriend well now ex girlfriend broke it off between us. I've had this notion for while that she's going to break up with me.
I knew it felt it since for quite some time.
I get to this same familiar feeling will their ever be someone that would stick with me through everything that I am going through. I would be there for her not that I stop caring about her because I truly wanted to be with her. She was my first girlfriend here in my home town. I had big hopes for us.
Knowing that she could depend on me. But where does a broken heart really go. how much pain can we all take on.
I won't question God ask him why did this one also end like it did. I'm not one to blame her for anything nor can I be blamed for it. Dealing with my depression and trying so hard not to close off towards her. I didn't wanna close one of my doors I just didn't wanna hurt anymore. I've been through a lot in the last two years dealing with my past and when she came in my life I thought good I've been given another chance at love. It took me awhile to open up and let her love me the way I hope she did.
My friends all say she didn't love me because she didn't break up with me in person, but what do they know about what she felt for me.
I know she loved me and I did love her no matter what anybody said she loved me and yes we are no longer in a relationship. But for once I now know what I need to do is to work on me for now because I wasn't ready to date before she came along.
I just went with it I liked her and didn't want to miss a chance with her.
Jessi I wish you all the best in your life. You and I both deserve happiness and to be appreciated by the people we might end up.
I'll always remember you.
I hope life will be good to you.

Love Chim

Journal Entries : Lost In Love

I Found your journal....with five pages missing and it is...to your lover...Have fun....

Here’s To Love

Day One ~ 18/09/2011

It’s been a long time since I've been in this place. When you stepped into my life you brought with joy and happiness, the sensation of what that feelings brought to my life.
I'm just so glad I've met you.
But we so far apart in heart from each other. It’s only at night when I lay in my bed awake as I remember the love and joy you brought into my life.
It’s the best feeling you could have braced me with. Its something I wouldn't ever want to miss out on.
I feel like I'm truly blessed because you found me all alone in a world where people search in vain. But you found me and that's all I can thank the God above us knowing I was suffering from loneliness. You're the one my heart want to shower with love and adoration.




Day Two~ 19/09/2011


This morning I was coming down the stairs as I reached the bottom I saw the closet door near the end was slightly open, I don’t recall ever opening it, maybe I have I cant remember. As I slowly opened up the door inside it revealed a box that I haven’t been opening in months. Do you remember how much we would come in here, as we would hide gifts for the children? Honey I miss those days when you and the girls was my only hope. Ever since you’ve left nothing really matters.
Oh gosh I went of the topic now. I was inside the closet as I pull the box into the light. Right there on the second stair I sat as I open the box. As I open it, it held albums that we took on the vacations with the kids.
I took the one out with your smiling face, as I scan my fingertips over them.
A lonely tear dropped fell as it sinks into the paper.




Day Three ~ 20 September 2011

Babe I couldn’t ever imagine my life without you and the children. When I found you years ago, something in your eyes made me feel loved. I remember our song we use to dance to after the kids would go sleep.  It was “Here’s To Love by Roberta Fleck “ do you remember the love that was inside of you. Were what made me whole. For so many years being devastated by the people who came into my life and never stayed for long. Before you came along I was dead inside, couldn’t take another blow to my lonely heart. It’s only until you came, with those chocolate brown eyes, and that smile that made my knees go weak. I never understood when people say someone can make their knees weak. Now I do. Because that is what you’ve done to me.  I will always love you forever in heart.


Day Four ~ 21 September 2011


This morning I woke up an empty feeling swept over me. I turn to my right side and noticed it hasn't been slept on in almost a year now.
I feel a sudden burst of tears flowing like it has never done in so long.
I never thought this is how I'll end up, alone in this world. Sometimes I'd go into your closet and grab one of your jerseys and wrap myself in it and smell your perfume that still rest in the wool.
Baby will it ever stop, the ache inside of me. It gets lonelier each day that comes, I can fill that hourglass and there wouldn't be enough time for me to not dwell off to another memory.
Another happy moment filled with laughter and giggling of small pitter-patter. They’re little feet, their little fingers. How we use to sing them a lullaby as they hold strong onto our fingers. That was my happy moment, my place I've entered whenever someone comes to visit and find me off into another place of time.
Tomorrow is almost here babe, the day I've tried to avoid, but its important, for you, for me and our children.


Day Five ~ 22 September 2011


It’s finally the day that I have been trying so hard to avoid. The day I never thought would come, I wish deep down inside I didn’t have to feel this way about someone. You came into my life and made me feel alive. You created this vision for us that I was more willing to be apart of. I’m sitting here right now as tears willing to fall but I’m keeping them back because what is the use of the tears falling knowing that you and I never stood a chance. I've fallen in love with you so fast, yes they weren’t my kids, but I did love them as my own.
Babe I know you aren’t here anymore, you gone living another life with someone else.
My heart is probably going to take some time to be healed, to replace you with another person. But I can’t do that it’s been an entire year that went passed. You never knew what you left behind when you packed up yours and the kids’ things. You left behind only memories, photos, but you took more than that. You took my heart with you.
Wherever you are right now, just know I’ll always have a place for you inside my heart of what is left of it.
That song, “Here’s To Love” you were that ray of light that was always a constant in my life.
Goodbye my love.