His Coming Is Near

Upon the shores off each town,

Waters swell up as it spread over

The earth,

His anger,
 devastated on what is happening.

The world needs a cleanse from all debris,

As rains pour down from the dark thunderous,

Clouds people running to save their loved ones.

Maybe this is the coming where we should built

An ark as Noah and his sons has made,

Save the ones who are pure hearted.

His anger starts to break loose

As criminals over take the land,

Beating wives,
killing the innocent,

Prisons flooded with men, rapist, thieves,

He washed away the walls of prisons.

Who keep these men safe from the outside world?

His voice wants to sing with joy,

But the lightning strike more & more.

As trees fall down.

Nowhere to run.

Save what you can.
The only thing saving us from the wicked storms.

Is our faith, he doesn’t want too hurt us,

But he has no way out to protect the world

From evil doings,

Striking seas swelling high over cities,

Lifting houses, till there’s nothing ,
but  land just like it was
in the beginning
it will be
in the end.



Copyright C Davids 30/05/2011

This is my entry for poetry potluck week #38 , "Thunderstorms, Floods and Water fury"...
This is also my entry for Thursday Poets Rally week #45.

I Remember

I remember when I first met you, it wasn’t like all the others, I felt that I could trust you with what’s inside me, I couldn’t believe that I was opening my world to a complete stranger that I have never met in my life, or would possible never meet in real life.

Yes I do remember the chats we’ve once had. Surprisingly I had so much fun talking and responding to your emails back and forth. Something I never really do, but in your way of talking I could honestly feel that I could trust you, for one, you didn’t know me, and two; we weren’t ever going to meet.

We spoke so much about everything and anything.

I now know why we had that bond.

Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. Like this journey never ends. Like you were sent to me because I'm sick. To help me through all that I have.

But it all ended a year ago. Sometimes I wonder if you were real, if you were just a fantasy that came to my rescue, someone who knew things about my life and what type of person I am.

See even though I still remember you, and you aren’t no longer a part of this life.

We created so many memories, even though they were just online my online friend.

My Internet Friend

I remember the day we met

And how we met,

You reviewed on my story

And out of that grew something else

I finally found a friend

In our messaging back and forth,

I remember sitting up in the early

Hours of the morning waiting on your reply

You didn’t know at first from what country

I was from, eventually we shared

More details on where we from,

As I was on the search for a new home,

You calm me and said,

“Don’t rush you will just know

Once you step into your new home”

you were so right,

it took a lot of houses to make me feel

that thing you spoke about.

As the coming weeks began

We no longer called each other

On our screen names, but our birth names.

You were someone I truly thought

Was amazing no doubt,

I became more and more interested in you,

My daily life was filling space where

We get to speak.

Oh how I miss those nights

Sitting on face book chatting

Until the wee hours of the morning,

The first time we heard each other’s voice

Made me know you even more real

Thank I’ve thought.

We’ve become instant best friends.

You were what I looked out to daily<

Having a smile on my face as I would receive

And incoming message from you.

My days were full of sunshine and hope.

Happiness and pleasure,

Cos of what you once meant to me.

We are now no longer friends.

Our bridges has been cut short,

I believe you were sending to me

From God, to help me with things

I couldn’t accept of myself,

You saw something in me,

You saw greatness inside of me.

Yet our paths was only allowed to met

For the next phase of our lives,

So go on my dear Internet friend,

May our paths be full of joy and hope?

Till we meet in another life,

Smiling and happier than ever before.

This poem just drove in my head, I guess sometimes words find you when you least expect them too. She’s not the only online friend I have made, there are so many, and thankfully there part in my life isn’t over. Its like a script, when a director gives it to the actors, each one partake the part they are portraying and as the story goes son, you will note that as the story moves along, somehow along the way, some of the characters will disappear. If you the reader you will note this and you would ask, but what happened to that girl or that boy, are they ever making an appearance again. Well as all stories you may never see that person, somewhere along the way, the scriptwriter has written this character out seeing as there bit or there part in the story has come to an end, they have done what they were there for and no its time too move on.

Lucky for me the others like my old friend who were once upon my best friend, her part in my life came to an end, its like relationships, once you broken up there is no place for you to be in that persons life, even though you would love to be, but that isn’t how life works.

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.” – Unknown

“The Tao Te Ching says, when I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. Have you ever struggled to find work or love, only to find them after you have given up? This is the paradox of letting go. Let go, in order to achieve. Letting go is God’s law.” – Mary Manin Morrissey

“We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.”

Thanks to Bluebell Books Short Story Slam Week #2

Introspection of Self

Sometimes I feel lost and alone; sometimes I don’t even feel myself, because I am always lost in my mind. Like I am living in a story about a girl going on ventures and journeys to find herself in this world. Finding a legacy to keep to herself, being someone she can be proud to be. Sometimes if I wake in the morning, it doesn’t even feel like it’s the real me waking up, but someone else, that is sharing my body with me.

In some cases I don’t think it’s the real me, because if it was then I don’t like who she is, who I am. The person that is built up with so many personas, that she can’t live in the real world without being that she really is.

People can easily hurt me, because I believe easily, I trust easily with my heart, and once they hurt me, I feel like im there puppet that they keep on playing with.

I’m lost within myself, the only time I feel myself is when I read about it on paper, in my stories, in my poetry. This girl who grew up still lost in herself. Who doesn’t believe that she can be loved, because her track record on being loved by people hasn’t been good, not once, by always getting hurt somehow.

Who am I? I remember being 18 years old on a search for where I came from, that why am I so different from my family. I just didn’t seem to fit in. even though I looked like them, I still didn’t feel like I was one of them. My whole life I have set myself apart from family, I pursued things my family don’t like, or want to be a part of.

In most case I became someone that don’t let people or things get in her way. If my mind was set on something that’s what I was going for.

I built this wall around me to never let people in, but silly me had too fall in love and let these people break down the one thing I worked so hard for. To never let anyone in.

As I was searching at the age of 18 for who I am, I started to go look for my father’s family. In there faces I saw myself, but I didn’t feel anything for them, they treated me like a stranger, I don’t blame them, I wasn’t one of them, I wasn’t meant to be anyone but myself. See they have taught me something valuable. To love who and what I was.

Not to go look for something that wasn’t there. All along the answers of my true identity was inside of me. It was always there I just didn’t want to accept it. See I am me, because of my circumstances I used my background to live life as hard as it were. I came through all those things life threw my way.

I raised myself, I learnt how to read and write from a very early age.

I didn’t just become a writer, I was born this way.

Sometimes I doubt myself till I can’t handle it anymore. When people get to close to me I want to run as far as possible, the problem is I don’t want to disappoint them or hurt them, id rather hurt then they.

I believe I am a free spirit being, that whatever life puts in my path I can get through it somehow. I trust in my own faith and my strength.

 I think the biggest mistake I make in this life, I long too long after past friends that has been gone for so long. Its like a part of me just can’t let go once someone leaves.

I am someone who treasures friends forever; there is no contemplating, even if they gone for years in my heart I still remember them.

My spirit, I think for the most I am a very spiritual being, I feel deep, and connect with people mostly on a spiritual level, that is why they become a part of me, apart of this universe where things doesn’t always go how we want it too.

I’ve only ever been in love twice. Both of them still meant a lot to me even though we no longer friends. Yet I still keep them close in heart.

If I could write my own story, it would be a book of journal entries that explains my inner self at best. Sometimes journaling is something good to keep, because its only there that we can open up our hearts and let the words flow. I love words, I love being a writer. I love making friends and reading others work.

I walk around with my scars tattooed on my heart. There’s so much about myself that I keep within me, because sometimes if people know too much, they use it against you. I don’t think I am a bad person; I am just someone who takes a lot of time to know. We can’t always know everything about another.

But we also need to give people their privacy, only when they ready to say what is on their minds.

I suffer from depression; I’ve been living with it, in silent for so long that I am finally forced to get help. Just I don’t want to fall apart, to be on some medication to keep me on the right path. I live a normal life, I have a great life, and I just wish I could sometimes partake on it.

This journey I am on, I know I am not alone that God is with me every step of the way. That one day I will not feel lost or alone but feel that I belong in this world.

Ode Fairy Tale

Ode Fairy Tale

The fairy tale that first started in 1981,
By the Prince Charles and his lovely new Princess Diana,
For years the royal clan never knew that the first born of their first born son
Were one day going to follow the
Tradition of the Ode Fairy tale of his parents.
William and Kate finding each other,
Romancing his lovely wife to be into his Princess.
Will the folk of England fall in love with
Princess Katherine just like they fell
In love with his first Princess, the mother of the future king.
Ode to Royalty, Ode to a whole new Fairy tale.

29/04/2011

This is my entry for Week 35 Poetry Potluck :  "Fortresses, Castles, Palaces and Royal houses"

Chapter 5: The Aftermath

Dear Cali

I hope that you are taking good care of yourself, I miss you. Ever since my new shift started I've been quite busy with work taking care of my elderly patients outside of the hospital, but I've heard you are starting to open up. Dear that's wonderful news. I always believed in you, never doubt you for one moment.

Also what happened then I've moved past that. I understand your burst but please know that you're a good girl.
I've also been busy because I have news for you.
Dear I hope you sit down, I remember how you told me that you're an only child.
Well a week ago I got a call from the Private Investigator, he told me he found a girl with name Kai Woods.

He got me her details and I've been working on getting hold of her, that same week she got back to me to meet her, I did. Cali dear the moment I saw those eyes I knew no mistake she's related to you.
Kai Woods is your sister.

I hope this wasn't new to you.
I'll come see you as soon as I can.

Love you
Faith

Oh my gosh, Kai. A sister, but how I'm an only child. Gosh did mother cheat on Dad. The news that was uncovered shed a whole new light.
What do I do?

"Cali do you want to talk about it." She asked.
"Seriously not now I still have to stomach all this." I tell her.
I couldn't sit still; I was walking up and down her office. Looking out the window over the garden right outside.

" Another three months to go then I'm out of here. I still haven't heard anything about who was at my house that day I took my own life. What brought me to do that in the first place? Its people that's what, I've dated women my entire 8 years since I knew I was gay but I was hiding.
My own family doesn't know I'm gay. I didn't want to be gay, I've dated men before but I always felt more drawn to women in my teens until I turned 24 and fell in love with a raven haired Caribbean girl, she was beautiful, charming it was love at first sight.
It was the way we met and the way things just escalated between us, the feelings I've had for her was so intense, we didn't even date long and we were already planning a life together, something you don't do unless you've been with someone for a year or so. For someone who was always a commitment phobia, I'd freak out the minute someone expects more of me. Because then it means this means much more to them then it does me, I wasn't looking for something serious my first time out, but as things progressed I felt connected to her somehow she had ways of opening me up, letting me feel safe in her arms. She was amazing, loving, caring, she's someone I could really spend my life with, raise a family with, but because of who I am I ran. I ran into the arms of my friend, the one who became my rock. I put all my cares into her arms and neglected my girl friend of two months.

Something happened within myself I started to grow feelings for this other person, it was unexpected, it wasn't suppose to happen. None of it, I tried blocking those thoughts out my mind, but how can anyone tell me that what you feel could be wrong, that the friendship we've nurtured could turn into an affair, we both tried as hard as we could not to ruin the friendship. One night I couldn't deny it, I couldn't deny what I was feeling for my friend. We spend more and more time together. She had a child and I couldn't stop that to make me run. I felt wanted, needed, she broke down my walls, we both let our guards down and she let me in, it was beautiful, magical about it. Like we were one person, but there was someone else. Someone I loved and didn't want to hurt.

I'd felt guilty every time I'd look my girl friend in her eyes. Here was the woman I loved but yet I was having an affair behind her back with my friend.
They were different, but there love was pure, the purest I've ever known off. They showed me what its like to feel love, to be loved.
They both could've made me happy I'm certain of that.
It was five months later the girl friend and the mistress started to wanted more of me. The one tells me I got to choose, the other one is spying on me. It was getting to appoint where I was willing to end it all.

That's when my depression starts to kick in; I was having sleepless nights, thinking of what's next to do. Do I tell them I'm leaving both, do I run and never turn back or do I just wallow in self-pity for as long as I can? My body started to pain, shooting pains over my abdomen and hipbone, panic attacks late at night where I had to sit up whole night. If I'm right I've not slept in months, I was losing weight; I was a broken mess of a woman.
I don't blame them, they fell in love, unlucky it was for the same girl, and I just couldn't tear myself apart. So I eventually told my girl friend about what's been going on, I got the phone dropped in my face.
She broke up with me that day, but I still loved her. I called the friend up I told her I want to try this with her, my heart got crushed instantly when she told me she's met someone and wants to see it through with her.

My world was falling apart yet again. I tortured myself night and day writing hateful stories all about the friend who broke my heart. She rejected me and that change a lot of things for me, because it felt like everyone was ganging up on me, that I was the jerk in this whole affair. She always knew I was in a relationship it never stopped her, if she respected my relationships shouldn't she have stopped it if she knew there wasn't a chance for us.

She kept saying we meant for each other, you know doc I stopped my heart from believing in a forever ever since those words uttered out her mouth."

"Cali you do know that you can still find love. I still think your girl friend did what's best for her own heart. You lied and cheated." She says. I turn to face her looked at her and turn back towards the garden. It was her day off and she said shed like to work more on my case.

"Yes I know that. I did love her and I never meant to hurt either." I said.

"Go on from where you stopped." She said.
I continued.
"I did something, something I regret for the rest of my life. I weight it out, the two of them. I made my best friend talk me into making a list on who stands out more. Who could I trust more with my heart, the ex or the ex mistress. But that wasn't my first regret the one was the fact I told the ex mistress that I don't love her enough to be with her. I would find just about any argument to drive her further and further apart, what did the final end to us was the fact I went and plastered on my face book status that I've got my act together." I turn around to face the doctor.

"She messaged me right afterwards and told me, "I'm glad you got your act right seeing as I didn't mean anything to you." I don't blame her doc for moving on, for leaving me because I deserved to be left behind. I deserved it, I couldn't make her happy, she was miles away from me."

"No one deserve to be left, but I can understand the urgency of her wanting more of you. She loved you right, but you kept running. What happened to your ex girlfriend."

"We got together, I basically begged her to take me back. She was the one I could always turn to. As time went by, my jealousy got out of control. The thought of the ex mistress with someone else drove me insane. I was heartbroken over the girl I lost and the one that was there just it wasn't looking good doc. As I became a different person I signed into the ex mistress ICQ name as her, I just didn't think someone would trace it back to the City I was living in. I never thought about it. About the path you always have to think about the path.
She messaged me told me how could I stoop so low pretending to be her. Yet that made me angry I told her, "this friendship is done for life" emails was send back and fort I regretted every word I've typed out. The worst part of it all it was a blatant lie.
Yes I used her name, but what I was accused of was all a bunch of lies. Things couldn't get any worse for me, until she emailed me a month later saying, she doesn't know me, that I've been playing her all this. Just thinking about that email destroyed everything in me what she stood for once upon a time. The girl who I put above everyone else tells me I'm hatred person, a user. Pretty much killed my heart, again that night I wanted to end my life. Living wasn't what I wanted then. Love is a waste I never want to feel that much love for anyone ever again.
I was living in a world where I couldn't tell people about what's going on with me. I let it all out in my book. Three hearts yes doc its me. Or it was me once upon a time.
She's wasn't anymore apart of my life. It was over, but my gosh I couldn't stop my love for her, misery was all I had but I knew I had to move on. I start to heal starting to make my life worth it. Until my girl friend left me again, this time it was for good.
She drove me mad, complaining, arguing, and checking up on me. Every friend I've made was a hidden agenda. I just couldn't take it much more. I knew in my heart if we don't go our separate ways now we'll end up hating each other and there another friendship would be destroyed. She was stubborn she wouldn't see it as that, she still believe we can move pass the cheating the trust that wasn't there. I did something in humane, I cheated on her with a girl, its the only way I knew shed leave me. Just after vday we broke up."

I was now sitting on the couch and Dr. Walker just had this expression on her face, what do you call it, yeah shock.

"I'm not a good person. I was so lost after that. I didn't know what to do. The two people I've loved the most in this world I've hurt."

"I think its good you letting all this out. You aren't a bad person, but I would suggest you control yourself around women. I know you love them. You have too moved past this Cali, it happened five years ago. Time to let it go. We at least are getting to something. We can continue tomorrow, same time." I got up and walk towards the door, just before I opened it I turn around to face the woman sitting on her couch.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me doc. I want to love again, but I want it to be with someone I truly do love and accept me without changing me. Mostly I want to trust someone with this." I point to my heart. Without giving her chance to say anything back I left for my room.

I can't believe she made me open up like that or was it the beautiful garden outside her office glass door, or is the fact looking at those eyes, those ocean blue ones.
Stop it Cali, this is silly.
She's not even gay, neither available. You still a work in progress.

Copyright C Davids 11/05/2011
All Rights is mine, these are all orginal creations by C Davids

When I Lost You

“It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.”

Its things the little things that you try to hold onto,

It’s the day I’ve died,

It’s the day life to me seemed nothing but a blur.

When I lost you and we weren’t one

But two strangers drifting on either side of this globe.

Awhile I thought how could my world go on,

I became this drifter, this lonely girl

Thinking why is this happening.

An excruciating pain swept over me

And hit me back to reality,

You were gone, gone from my life.

It’s the feeling of emptiness,

A soulless being that was me,

Wandering around, seeking answers

That I never was given, but all along

It stared me in the face,

That this was all my own doing,

That I was the one who did this.

I remembered your words, “ I am scared,

Scared that I’ll never be the one for you.

Scared that no matter what our feelings

For each other are that I will never

Get any kind of chance. I am scared that

You will one day realize that you

Didn’t love me, and you leave.

There’s so many things running through my head

To brace myself, I know that I love you,

I know a lot of things, but I don’t know

What is going to happen between us

And it scares me.”

They say that the grief you have for a former love

Will become your travelling companion.

It becomes a part of you,

A part of me.

That eventually peace will come,

When I accept the mysteries

That is apart of life.

That this part of veil will lift

Only then I will realize that the love

We share with others

Is what is most sacred?

Once that peace has come

I will know that this love was an eternal gift.

Copyright C Davids

10/05/2011

This is my entry for Thursday Poets Rally 44

Thanks To those who has nominated me & Jingle

Someone I’ll Never Forget

You know how Shakespeare and Keats always wrote

About the love they have lost,

That one special person they dedicated

Most of their poetry too,

I’ve had one of those special someone.

Someone I can’t ever forget

Someone that I was completely in love with.

Not having her now its like torture,

My eyes never runs dry as tears falling

As I’m remembering all we had together

How she loved me completely

Without question, how much we knew

About each other,

She’s the first person I was ever connected too.

I miss her right now, I still love her and hopefully

That love isn’t something that I can toss aside.

Because what we had was one in a million.

Its starry skies, shooting stars.

All the good things of a real love story.

Like all love stories, especially the ones

Of star cross-loved, the unavailable ones.

Someone I’ll never forget.

I miss you until the day I have no breath in me.

Copyright C Davids

10/05/2011

My Heart

You have wondered in to my mind

I can’t get you out no matter how hard I try

To tell you the truth I really don’t want you out

You’re stuck in here

 Where I can always have you near

Days move slowly by

As months entered and then a year

Which brings me back to you

My heart seem wasting on what we had

Remembering everything we had

There’s nothing in this world

More terrifying then knowing

We will never have those dreams.

I don’t see as a scar a person who never

Meant anything, because I’d be lying.

You’re stuck in the basement with

All our memories,

Closed with a steel lock.

But it doesn’t work

When my mind keeps drifting back to you.

Copyright C Davids

10/05/2011

I Sketch You From Memory

Whenever I close my eyes

I see you standing in front of me,

That smile on your face was what got me to fall.

A lifetime without those smiles brought tears

To my hazel brown eyes,

I see the beauty within you,

That halo you once wore around your head,

Laughing and hearing your voice,

The giggling deep within your throat,

Oh that is a sketch I want to treasure for years to come.

Those smile, that eyes, all of it,

Tracing my pencil careful around the structure,

As I come to your cute button nose,

Those cheeks I was longing to caress,

Those lips, luscious and soft, tasting

Of cherry chap stick,

As each line, each curve of my fingers

Fell over sketching all I’ve seen in memory

Opening the drawers of every light I have seen you in.

 I underline the features of what you were to me,

My sketches was for you, it was a dedication

Of my love for you.

I’ll sketch you from memories that once hold my forever.

Copyright C Davids

10/05/2011


Poetry Potluck Week 36, "Sketches, Images and Impressions"

When Love Pass You By

In all facets of life

We stroll down memory lane,

It takes time but I don’t how long

But I can’t forget you,

I cant until I am no longer on this earth.

Sometimes in life we take the road

Less travelled, something we think

It is easier, but once that love has passed you by,

You try to move on,

But it takes too long to just move on,

I cant I am sorry,

But you still in my heart,

You apart of everything that is still inside me.

That woman I knew once upon a time

Still lives with in me,

I am so scared for letting another love pass me by.

Copyright C Davids

10/05/2011

Stop Beating

Stop Beating

It’s a heart trying to slow down

A heart trying to fix the aches,

But all this time my heart never seems to stop,

Its beating for the one it loves,

I try to change the course of faith yet

My heart carries on its own

Loving someone no longer attained,

It’s the life of a heart crying for love

From the anticipator

Crying to stop the torture,

Oh how I wanna let it stop beating

But whenever it hears your name

Or whenever it sees your face,

It never wants to stop.

I wish that it was up to me

To end this heart from beating

From carrying out longing after you.

Love and hearts twisted in my fist.

How can I un love someone

That was the epitome of true beauty

The inner beauty you with hold

The love you had for me was so delicate

And when I let it falter,

I let my heart carry on beating.

Copyright C Davids 

10/05/2011

Chapter 4: The Aftermath

In life you can come up with reasons to give up, but you might find love somewhere in places you never thought. Don't give up on it? And if you don't get it, you might get something better.

We were sitting at one of the picnic tables not to far from her office. It was nice the warmth from the sun beaming down on me, I didn't feel cold or empty anymore. Its like the more I unpack my troubles and the more I let myself feel better the heavy burden I've been carrying around is falling brick by brick. I was again lost in my own thoughts while drinking my cup of tea, she preferred coffee.
"So Cali, tell me about yourself, how did you get to be this other version of who you truly are." She asked sipping on her coffee.
"I thought we here to enjoy the morning fresh air in silence." I asked trying to sound casual. I fail every time it doesn't work with her.
"Please humour me." She said.
"I was born in Cape Pacific on a tiny island on the west coast. Were raised by both my parents. Lived a life of dedicating to the arts in Cape Town. I landed my first job as a copy editor, and then a two years later got my first book published by an American publishing company. That's about it." I tell her sounding convincing. I just basically lied.
"You don't sound convincing." She says.
"Honest truth." I replied. Finishing of my tea.
"If that's true, if you from Cape Town why are you in the States faraway from home. "
"The thing is you already know where I'm from, it’s all in the file. So no need to get into that. I think I'm going to take a walk. See you tomorrow doc."
"Cal!" She shouts. People were watching she called me Cal and not Cali. It’s unprofessional of her to do that or is it. I carried on with my walk after I couldn't hear her voice anymore.

Cali you have to stop you can't go through this again. She's the doctor your doctor and you know she's married so start being who you want to be when you leave this place.

Somehow I found myself back to my bedroom. I asked the nurse if I can have lunch in my bedroom, they starting to trust me on my own which is something I can't mess up, I have to get better so that I can get out of this place. Two months went by, I've not heard anything from Faith; maybe she's busy at the hospital. I miss her, especially the hugs she gave me and how she always knew just what to say to make me feel better. She was the one person who had faith in me, who believed in me, I owe it all up to her for sharing her God with me.

27 April 2011

"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength"

The busyness of some people is the evasion of a challenge. They keep themselves busy to avoid listening to the challenge of their inner voices, and they cannot bear the thought of entering a period of silence to meet the challenge of their imperfections and deliberate sins. " Keep busy and the inner voices stifled" seems to be their unconscious philosophy.
This attitude eventually creates mental, moral, spiritual breakdowns, for no human can continue to evade the basic issues of life without serious consequences. The quietness does challenge, but if we have courage to develop and dwell in the Silence of God we find that life gradually starts to sort itself out. Our sense of values is reoriented and we come to grips with our hidden weaknesses and fears.
A life possessing the knowledge born on the Silence of God should be so filled with confidence that possessing greatness of vision and depth of character it can be a master of life.

"Greatness" rolled off my tongue.
"You have greatness Cali, that's who you are."
I wish I can also believe in what Faith and now Dr. Walker sees within me.
"Who am I. Where did I come from, why did I attempt to suicide twice in less then a few months apart.
What troubles you?
I remember what Faith once said, "let go and let God" like saying let the guilt, hurt and pain go, and let God heal your soul. Faith send me this book where I take my passages from its like this book was specifically wrote for me, I don't think I could wrote anything like this.
I still do think about them, her and the other one. Whenever someone make reference to the book I wrote it was a painful book to write it was never going to be a book, it was just something for myself to let it all out, I never thought I could feel so much emotions all at once. This pains its been coming for quite some time. Those voices I heard it drove me crazy, yet I still can't place the voice I keep hearing. It stopped. Thank goodness.

It was never a game to me, I wasn't playing anyone, and my heart loved both. Some people tell me it wasn't actual love. How do they know if they weren't in my body, if they didn't live through what I have? Only those involve knows.
I'm not someone who would play with once heart, that's something special to give to someone. I have a heart or had one filled with love and devotion, now I'm starting to learn. Mistakes happen, but I don't regret anything about it all. To love someone that much to want to take all there pain upon myself. I was lucky to have the love of those two women I'll cherish it forever. They may have moved on, I would still remember.
"Love only dies when you do"
So if they want to judge me for all this, I've paid my debt didn't I. Look where I am.

For long time I denied who I am. I struggled accepting who I am. To the world I'm Cali Davis, but who am I really. A liar, cheater, closeted lesbian. All those labels I wear them daily, I wear the boots of guilt, the shield of torture, the armour of fear, the helmet of depression.
See I made that in my version, but if you a person living by the spiritual realm it would be different.


 Copyright C Davids 2011