A Bend In The Road

Summary 

Where does a story truly begin? In life, there are seldom clear-cut beginnings, those moments when we can, in looking back, say that everything started. Yet there are moments when fate intersects with our daily lives, setting in motion a sequence.

Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Words: 1,990 

Part 1

A Bend In The Road

"You mean the world to me," she says.
Even though my heart is breaking well you can say I have a heart that's on standby. Nobody else can revive me back to the lovable person I used to be. In her absence I start to become stronger like force wanting to get my life back.

As I reflect on my life on the essence of my being, she was everything and also anything. I could listen to her talking forever as I close my eyes longing to see her facial expressions at that moment. She was the love of my life, my dream. She found me at a time when I wasn't sure of anything.

The first time I've met her I knew I was going to fall hopelessly in love. The same week I met her and the continual emails going back and forth, I could feel deep within me was busy stirring feelings for her. I was afraid to tell her, I didn't want to scare her, but before I ever could express my feelings. She told me in a text message that she's got feelings for me more than just friendship. I guess apart of me was overwhelmed and also frightened because she's the very first girl that has told me she has feelings for me.

Addie Howell was having feelings for me and for the first time I gave into my own feelings for her and told her how I feel about her. It was like love at first sight, but this kind of love was the most intense kind of love I've ever felt or had in my entire life.
I told her, "She bends my ruler." Seeing as for years I was dating guys and here this beautiful brown eyed girl comes and changed my entire world.

She was my twin soul, she is my twin soul. Because no matter the distance, the fact that we've been broken up so many times, I've dated others, she's with someone else yet. She can't let me go, just like I can't ever let go.

"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be." Letting her go a year ago wasn't an easy choice to make, but also couldn't get myself better if I wasn't getting the proper help for my illness.

Our love never died, mine for her, hers for mine. She's now my best friend. Addie moved away and went to go pursue a career in Philippines. Things always seem to take us further apart then bringing us close to one another.

When two persons in love once and still is and yet one of them not doing anything to bring the relationship forward because of fear or a million reasons created just to give excuse not to be with the person she loved. Yet deep in her heart she does love and miss and think of her true love all the time.

Everyday is frustrating to have this kind of love that you don't know if she's going to let you go because I don't understand it at all, I thought I did, I didn't understand as well why she loves me in her heart and won't do anything about it. What she was feeling I was feeling it too and when she misses me, I am missing her too.

Yet I've stepped back and let her go on and be with another without forcing her to be with me. The fact remains whenever I want to try and move on she comes in my mind and I see her feel her, like we have this telepathic
And soul connection that is so strong, that I can feel her even when she's millions of miles away.
Being me at times I thought I was crazy, I couldn't ever recall feeling so much and yet so full of love for a person.

It was about four months ago I met another girl and not long I started creating feelings for her, it wasn't so intense it was like I had a break from having all of Addie inside of me pushing out all kinds of emotions. Carmen was nice enough for me, but she slowly could tell that I wasn't over Addie completely. She would argue over almost everything I write about, she would accuse me of cheating when I wasn't. With Carmen I was different, I treated her different, but mostly I let Carmen use me. I didn't want to say no to her because I didn't want to be alone. The minute I'm alone then I have to deal with my love I'm still holding for Addie.

Songs that remind you of the times you both spend together. All these make it impossible to build on a new love or new relationship and you wonder why this person is haunting you day and night.
It wasn't long Carmen and I broke up, but at least I've tried, I tell myself.

Addie left these words with me just after she started dating again, "My heart is yours, I give it to you, and I am complete for you."

She still tells me that our promise to each other isn't broken. But when she told me two weeks ago that she thinks she's falling for her girl friend. It hurt me because for so long we've still had that bond, that love and calling each other still on individual pet names.
She crept back suddenly and at the most intimate times in the night to remind me of her. Is like you are actually sharing one soul, she can feel whatever you think and feel and is like a part of me.

Yet these words is running through my mind, " How do you look at the woman you love, and tell yourself that its time to walk away?"
Seems easy to say out loud, but also to walk away from your heart is also the most heartbreaking thing to do.
My visions I have of her all says, it's time. That one day if our souls reconnect after years we might find our forever. The forever she once reminded me off.

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn."

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Part 2: What Comes Next?

What comes next after the life you thought was your everything disappears. Like no trace of it is there. Besides all the pain we endure, the mistakes and the chapters we keep rewriting, each time I try to write it with a positive note, but then those negative feelings creeps in.
You left with just your thoughts. Scribbling away on paper the pain and the tears of yesteryear. I've been having some storms and I just needed someone to talk too. That would understand me as best as they can. Everything leads up to a certain period where you had it all, but you took it for granted. I took love for granted. I thought it would wait for me, but it ended up leaving me behind. To deal with the fact you were never there.
Then I think about my life and who I am. And in what others wants me to be. It gets hard to live up to there expectations in that type of girlfriend they want you to be. But I am just struggling to believe in it all, to believe that every second of life it changes its course. Then I think about how bad things happen to good people that didn't deserve to get hurt. That it all gets better, I truly am starting to believe in it.
I thought it was a mistake that me talking to you wouldn't bring them back to me.
I was talking to a lady that volunteer at the crises center.
"Tell me what you afraid of." She asked me.
"Failure. Any kind of failure."
Someone once said the only thing worst to lose in this life is my integrity. Well that's the part of me I still have. My integrity to walk with my head held high and faces my adversity. Trust in myself is second to that.
"We struggle, it's apart of life we all living." I understood that.
I thought about it, "The hard part is the loneliness, not having someone to talk too."
That loneliness is black, its what's so scary that there's no magic left in this world. It's all black and grey even the faces of the ones you love there faces seems darker and there eyes seem downwards and there mouths seems skew.
There's this basketball player he lived his dream of playing for the NBA, he had a life dream come true and with one incident that was taken away from him in an instant. He tried for years to recover from his injuries, he worked hard, but at the end he said to his wife, "yes I have lost my dream, but that was a dream based on my talent, but it's you and our son that is worth not playing to end up back where I was where I couldn't walk. So I'll walk away now and keep my legs and live with my dream family."
The big question is this, "THE WHAT COMES NEXT" or "A BEND IN THE ROAD", if you must.
If your entire world gets warped in from under you. She was my dream; I loved her with the same amount of love that she loved me. I fought for her with everything I've had, but it wasn't enough. She wasn't going to come back. She is gone.
"You need to know that when things seem to be the most desperate, people find you. That there's someone out there for you. Just don't give up on the journey you headed and you are not alone."
There's too many pain, too many lost in this world.
What's next for me? Where do I go from here? I've decided the only way for me to go from here is to go within myself. Too find the person who's loved her with all my heart.
What comes next? Finding myself and strengthening and becoming secure within and that hopefully I'll get over her and move on without her. Being happy without being sad all the time.
"How do you look at the woman you love and tell yourself that its time to walk away?" For the sake of everyone and my own sanity I just couldn't standby being Addie Howell's best friend and watch her being with another girl that's not me.
Girls usually say that I runaway most times, but Addie was different I wanted to be the one for her. You can only fight so much for someone until it hits you she isn't coming back to you.
"A bend in the road is not the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn, but what if there's no turn."


AN:
I wrote this story in May 2012.