So Sick Of Lovesongs

There is always that one feeling that never goes away, and I keep asking myself why do I love you still. You are inside of my conscious each day and night.
What I am feeling doesnt really even matter anymore. I search endlessly my whole life to be with someone that understands me and connect with on a level of understanding.
I never knew falling in love could hurt this much. Whne you not even with the person anymore. Knowing they out there somewhere being with another. When we broke up in February just after Valentines Day, I knew at that moment we did the best thing to seperate, but i didnt expect it would last 8 months later for me finally break down and feel that heartbreak like it was fresh.

It's like the pieces that was slowly stitching together has fallen apart yet again. Torturing myself of all that once was you. I want to run so far away from the grip you have on my heart. The reasoning yet I cant completely understand the why, why do people come into ourlives, why do we fall in love, why do we even consider giving our hearts out to someone who in some way you thought were your soulmate that you two were destined to be together. I just cant grasp what I am feeling on one hand I hate what I am feeling for you and the next I still try to fit you in my life, but then I also can't do that because I cant not have you be apart of my life knowing there isnt going to be a you and me.

"One love isn't all
consuming, but one
heartbreak can be."
~Tigress Luv, The
Break Up Guru

"Trust me, no past love is as wonderful as a broken heart may make them out to be."

I don't think that a heart can feel this much pain. I end up writing stories and poetry just to release what is left inside, there is so much that i feel that I dont know how to move it out the way. I keep wandering off to who we once were, what we once had.
I am lost and alone and I don't know, I guess I should let this fall of my back. Gosh it hurts so much I dont know how to live without you.

"Those who have never gone through a breakup have never truly grown as a person. They spend their days in a complete whiteout, not knowing how to feel their soul, touch the sky, or hear the spirit whisper in the wind. Only through a broken heart do we blossom into fragrant flowers with the infinite wisdom of a sage and an omniscient spirit in perfect balance with all-creation."

Checking your rearview mirror once in a while helps you get a clearer sense of where you are at, but when you look in your rearview mirror too long, you're bound to miss what's coming up in front of you.

Are you staring at the walls in your room with sighs of grief? Listening to depressing music with quick reflections of regret and longing? Heartbreak can be very painful, I mean I am living through it for all this time, another woman cant take that ache away, have I overcome the crushing reality of a fading romance it fabricated self destruction.
Love is complicating and the dynamics of caring for someone else is staggering.
When we broke up I asked myself these questions? What doesn't she love me back? What happened to us, where did I go wrong and what more could I have done to make her realise that we could do this, that distance shouldn't be the only reason to break up.
I still love her. But eventually I knew this was something I have to work on to get through but let me tell you, heart break is a dark experience. I had to distract myself from going insane and had to do drastic measures, disconnect myself from all connections that I've had with her, because laying around and repeating all the WHAT IF'S took a toll on me emotionally.

How I wanted her to wait for me and to come back  and be with her living our dream. The painful reality was when i saw she has moved on with another girl.The minute I have heard this news it was like a bulging pain seeping through my lower body.
It's like dejavu has hit me back to 2010 reminding me that you have been through this exact stage last year, even though you have been working through the pain of that relationship ending, here the one girl you knew loved you with everything in her has now found someone else. She tells me that she wants someone that cares about her that gives her that attention. She tells me i neglect her. But only if she knew what I was dealing with and that I was working on getting my life back together.
Maybe this is God's way of putting her with someone else that isnt me. Yet it hurts like hell.

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try and talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's over.

If you are willing to trust in a person when all others tell you to go against it, if you are willing to risk getting your heart broken because you believe in that other person. Then that is true love.
Isnt this what true love is, did we have true love, were she meant to be my soulmate i dont know its something I cant answer because the more pain I feel from her out of my life the deeper the scar at the end of the day.

Finding true love is hard enough, but to throw that love away just because you thought it was easier to walk away from them instead you let go and walk around with your head down facing the road you're walking. Lying around your house thinking just maybe she is better off, but what if there was some way that you could've gotten over that hurt and try again. I believe in love but the fact that it hurts even more when you are face with the loneliness.

I might have walked away, but I didnt walk away with my heart I left it with her. She carries it with her since we departed.
Life is so short you know, living with the fear of loving again, guarding your heart from the people or person you love the most. I can't deny my love for her, its inevitable, that she is my soul mate. So many time has passed but my love and I know her love for me is constant.

Have you ever looked at your phone in that sense thinking I wonder how she is, what she is doing. Why cant she love me back in that way we once had. What made her stop feeling for me. I thought she would wait for our forever. Is this where it all should end, where we both go our sperate ways. Why cant I accept this that she isnt mine anymore that I am not her only one, the only woman she wants to be with.
I miss her emails, her text. Her face her smile. Gosh i miss her and only her can complete me.
yet i should let her go.

There is a quote that goes, If they don't return they were never yours to start with.
Forever & Always
Bunny