A Bend In The Road

Summary 

Where does a story truly begin? In life, there are seldom clear-cut beginnings, those moments when we can, in looking back, say that everything started. Yet there are moments when fate intersects with our daily lives, setting in motion a sequence.

Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Words: 1,990 

Part 1

A Bend In The Road

"You mean the world to me," she says.
Even though my heart is breaking well you can say I have a heart that's on standby. Nobody else can revive me back to the lovable person I used to be. In her absence I start to become stronger like force wanting to get my life back.

As I reflect on my life on the essence of my being, she was everything and also anything. I could listen to her talking forever as I close my eyes longing to see her facial expressions at that moment. She was the love of my life, my dream. She found me at a time when I wasn't sure of anything.

The first time I've met her I knew I was going to fall hopelessly in love. The same week I met her and the continual emails going back and forth, I could feel deep within me was busy stirring feelings for her. I was afraid to tell her, I didn't want to scare her, but before I ever could express my feelings. She told me in a text message that she's got feelings for me more than just friendship. I guess apart of me was overwhelmed and also frightened because she's the very first girl that has told me she has feelings for me.

Addie Howell was having feelings for me and for the first time I gave into my own feelings for her and told her how I feel about her. It was like love at first sight, but this kind of love was the most intense kind of love I've ever felt or had in my entire life.
I told her, "She bends my ruler." Seeing as for years I was dating guys and here this beautiful brown eyed girl comes and changed my entire world.

She was my twin soul, she is my twin soul. Because no matter the distance, the fact that we've been broken up so many times, I've dated others, she's with someone else yet. She can't let me go, just like I can't ever let go.

"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be." Letting her go a year ago wasn't an easy choice to make, but also couldn't get myself better if I wasn't getting the proper help for my illness.

Our love never died, mine for her, hers for mine. She's now my best friend. Addie moved away and went to go pursue a career in Philippines. Things always seem to take us further apart then bringing us close to one another.

When two persons in love once and still is and yet one of them not doing anything to bring the relationship forward because of fear or a million reasons created just to give excuse not to be with the person she loved. Yet deep in her heart she does love and miss and think of her true love all the time.

Everyday is frustrating to have this kind of love that you don't know if she's going to let you go because I don't understand it at all, I thought I did, I didn't understand as well why she loves me in her heart and won't do anything about it. What she was feeling I was feeling it too and when she misses me, I am missing her too.

Yet I've stepped back and let her go on and be with another without forcing her to be with me. The fact remains whenever I want to try and move on she comes in my mind and I see her feel her, like we have this telepathic
And soul connection that is so strong, that I can feel her even when she's millions of miles away.
Being me at times I thought I was crazy, I couldn't ever recall feeling so much and yet so full of love for a person.

It was about four months ago I met another girl and not long I started creating feelings for her, it wasn't so intense it was like I had a break from having all of Addie inside of me pushing out all kinds of emotions. Carmen was nice enough for me, but she slowly could tell that I wasn't over Addie completely. She would argue over almost everything I write about, she would accuse me of cheating when I wasn't. With Carmen I was different, I treated her different, but mostly I let Carmen use me. I didn't want to say no to her because I didn't want to be alone. The minute I'm alone then I have to deal with my love I'm still holding for Addie.

Songs that remind you of the times you both spend together. All these make it impossible to build on a new love or new relationship and you wonder why this person is haunting you day and night.
It wasn't long Carmen and I broke up, but at least I've tried, I tell myself.

Addie left these words with me just after she started dating again, "My heart is yours, I give it to you, and I am complete for you."

She still tells me that our promise to each other isn't broken. But when she told me two weeks ago that she thinks she's falling for her girl friend. It hurt me because for so long we've still had that bond, that love and calling each other still on individual pet names.
She crept back suddenly and at the most intimate times in the night to remind me of her. Is like you are actually sharing one soul, she can feel whatever you think and feel and is like a part of me.

Yet these words is running through my mind, " How do you look at the woman you love, and tell yourself that its time to walk away?"
Seems easy to say out loud, but also to walk away from your heart is also the most heartbreaking thing to do.
My visions I have of her all says, it's time. That one day if our souls reconnect after years we might find our forever. The forever she once reminded me off.

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn."

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Part 2: What Comes Next?

What comes next after the life you thought was your everything disappears. Like no trace of it is there. Besides all the pain we endure, the mistakes and the chapters we keep rewriting, each time I try to write it with a positive note, but then those negative feelings creeps in.
You left with just your thoughts. Scribbling away on paper the pain and the tears of yesteryear. I've been having some storms and I just needed someone to talk too. That would understand me as best as they can. Everything leads up to a certain period where you had it all, but you took it for granted. I took love for granted. I thought it would wait for me, but it ended up leaving me behind. To deal with the fact you were never there.
Then I think about my life and who I am. And in what others wants me to be. It gets hard to live up to there expectations in that type of girlfriend they want you to be. But I am just struggling to believe in it all, to believe that every second of life it changes its course. Then I think about how bad things happen to good people that didn't deserve to get hurt. That it all gets better, I truly am starting to believe in it.
I thought it was a mistake that me talking to you wouldn't bring them back to me.
I was talking to a lady that volunteer at the crises center.
"Tell me what you afraid of." She asked me.
"Failure. Any kind of failure."
Someone once said the only thing worst to lose in this life is my integrity. Well that's the part of me I still have. My integrity to walk with my head held high and faces my adversity. Trust in myself is second to that.
"We struggle, it's apart of life we all living." I understood that.
I thought about it, "The hard part is the loneliness, not having someone to talk too."
That loneliness is black, its what's so scary that there's no magic left in this world. It's all black and grey even the faces of the ones you love there faces seems darker and there eyes seem downwards and there mouths seems skew.
There's this basketball player he lived his dream of playing for the NBA, he had a life dream come true and with one incident that was taken away from him in an instant. He tried for years to recover from his injuries, he worked hard, but at the end he said to his wife, "yes I have lost my dream, but that was a dream based on my talent, but it's you and our son that is worth not playing to end up back where I was where I couldn't walk. So I'll walk away now and keep my legs and live with my dream family."
The big question is this, "THE WHAT COMES NEXT" or "A BEND IN THE ROAD", if you must.
If your entire world gets warped in from under you. She was my dream; I loved her with the same amount of love that she loved me. I fought for her with everything I've had, but it wasn't enough. She wasn't going to come back. She is gone.
"You need to know that when things seem to be the most desperate, people find you. That there's someone out there for you. Just don't give up on the journey you headed and you are not alone."
There's too many pain, too many lost in this world.
What's next for me? Where do I go from here? I've decided the only way for me to go from here is to go within myself. Too find the person who's loved her with all my heart.
What comes next? Finding myself and strengthening and becoming secure within and that hopefully I'll get over her and move on without her. Being happy without being sad all the time.
"How do you look at the woman you love and tell yourself that its time to walk away?" For the sake of everyone and my own sanity I just couldn't standby being Addie Howell's best friend and watch her being with another girl that's not me.
Girls usually say that I runaway most times, but Addie was different I wanted to be the one for her. You can only fight so much for someone until it hits you she isn't coming back to you.
"A bend in the road is not the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn, but what if there's no turn."


AN:
I wrote this story in May 2012.

Chapter 10: The Aftermath (Finale)

Being whole doesn’t mean being more than who you are this very moment.

It means being who you are this very moment.  It means accepting the parts of yourself that used to make you ashamed, or feel small. These are the parts of yourself that will allow you to connect to other people, allow you to own your own strength.  And neither would you, without your wounds. My loneliness, which is part of my wholeness, has helped me to find you, in the dark.

I was finally in a good place, just sitting there like I did each week talking about everything. My childhood, my parents, my life, the relationships, the suicide. It all became lighter.

"Cali you have come very far in this therapy, you seem more energized, and driven by what you want out of life. You one brave woman." She said.

I was telling her about my latest conquest. I've told Kai about the rehab and how I ended up here. She came to visit me a few days ago. I told her its not too long still then I am out and going home.

She asked me my address again and I gave it to her, I remember Faith would always go to my house to get it fresh aired. She said she doesn't mind at all. She has become my guardian angel. But mostly she's like a mother.

She told me that she was proud on how far I've come that I never gave up, even when there was moments I wanted too.

I'm glad I have met her at the hospital she's helped me gain a sister. She made me come here and Dr. Walker has been one of the best therapists I've ever spoken to. Some how I feel a little sad.

"I think you don't need me anymore. You have fought back and took back your life. Your eyes are bigger and its sparkles, look at that smile." She says.

"It feels real like I never thought I'd get through it. I mean I was a complete mess when I got here." Some how it hit that if I leave here I won't see her anymore. I've come so attached to coming to talk to her. Its something I've been looking forward to each week.

"Don't be sad. You will make it, Cali. I believe in you, but you have to believe you can." She said.

"I know that and I do believe that I will make it."

"Just be careful out there okay. Don't rush into anything." She said.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. By Ralph Waldo Emerson." I said smiling remembering how my Dad always quoted that to me.

"Yes so true. Do me one thing. Don't give up writing because without your words this world is lonely." She said smiling at me.

Deep down I feel like that ache, the brokenness and that my mental state has disappeared. Its like God came to me over night and laid his magic wand over my head and changed all of me. He changed my heart; my mind and he stopped my pain.

Expecting the unexpected, my fears, and my flaws that's what built me up. They may have seen me fallen, but they will be amaze at the fact, that I did it.

I haven't done it to impress people I've done it because I wanted too change. I wanted to be in love with myself.

The day I looked in that mirror I saw gladness, I saw joy. I saw my life reborn again. I felt that greatness, Faith was talking about. Sometimes in this life you can inspire people, but it’s always hard to believe that quality about yourself.

Its through our adversaries we make peace with ourselves.

I thought my life was over when I took those pills wanting to end my pain. I didn't want to die; I just wanted to end that ache inside and the voice inside my head.

What I missed was the fact it was God all along. He was the voice showing me that it wasn't my fault that in life things goes wrong. We just have to bare it and ask forgiveness and make right with our selves. I guess God knew me all this time, He knew my heart.

He forgave me for my sins, for my mistakes. You can go around question yourself and make yourself sick, but I'm telling you I've learn a lot about myself.

The way I kept my heart closed not to get hurt, keeping years of pain inside. Never talking it all out, I thought writing would lessen all the hurt, but it doesn't. I remember Dr. Walker, saying that I have all the tools, but I wasn't using it the right way, and she teaches me how. How to release myself from the past.

Today I'm finally out as I said my goodbyes to the staff.

 What I've learned is that we make mistakes, but through those mistakes we can learn. We can get a second chance. Life is out there to be lived, but it’s how we live it that's the question. Knowing that I've been given a new start. I can only say life gives you what you put in. If you put in nothing, but pitying yourself instead of saying yes I've been wronged by people and that yes I've wronged them. It doesn't mean you were forgotten.

I've become spiritually in tuned with my faith. Regarding all the things I had to face, if I didn't go through it all I wouldn't have been feeling this joy that was inside me all along.

""Today is the first day of the rest of your life?" Is if your lifestyle of sensual enjoyment or spirituality. Freedom of thought is your conscience, your real life and the power of the mind and always refreshing. When you live with thoughts that today is the first day of the rest of your life, you're free of many thoughts of past and future."

The End.

Chapter 9: The Aftermath

"There can be moments when you feel that you are fighting a very lonely battle. Overwhelmed by discouragement, and experiencing nothing but defeat, it seems impossible to hold a strong and beautiful vision of what life should hold for you, and what you should be gathering from life. Such moments can be filled with an isolation so great that it seems as if even God has deserted you."

I stopped reading and looked out through the glass sliding door, that shows how beautiful the sun is cascading over the treetops.

So beautiful, but yet I don't take part in the feeling of enjoying what's created.

"Cali that should stop, you isolating yourself from people and life. You not feeling up to it." I turn to face her. I wish people would leave me alone. To let me do what I want, and what I want is to be left alone and hide in my room. It seems I slowly developed into my shell. The medication I'm on is helping with the depression. It stilled my thoughts of dying. The pain in my body is gone. I hardly write if I do its short notes then I stop and get in bed and sleep whole day until I have to eat, wash or take my medication.

"Cali please open up. What's on your mind? We here to help. In less than a month you're done with this program where too than. How will you adapt to the real world. Seems as you've gone back to how you were when you got here." Her mouth moves but I'm not hearing. As I felt a lonely tear drop falling down my face. As the tears start to just fall.

She got up from her chair and came over as she bend on her knees in front of me. Staring in her eyes, as she took me into her arms, embracing me as my head went to lie on her shoulder. I was crying louder by this time when she had her fingers through my hair. It felt both good but also it felt weird in a caring way. She's the first woman too have this close after months or a year.

I just want to be okay. To feel whole. To be me. The girl I know I can be, to have a smile, to have glow, to have happiness whether alone or with someone.

"It’s going to be okay, I won't force you to speak. Just want you to get better and to enjoy your life, Cali." She says.

I slowly lift my head from her shoulders and take the box of tissues that's always near my chair to clean my face with it. I couldn't look at her.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"Don't be. Its good to cry." That's how that session went.

She did ask me if I want to see Faith or if I want to see my half sister. I never got back to Kai after the few messages she's left with Faith. I thought it was time to actually tell her where I am.

Yet deep down I want to get out of this place. Out in the world and feel new once again.

It’s hard when you listen to certain songs that make you think of that one girl that you knew you loved. Your soul mate, the one that's you're Song. The one you had all these with. Falling in love, moving in together and ask her to marry you.

You know that feeling when your heart start to race, your pulse is pulsating and your stomach is twirling and whirling. It just hit me that I've probably lost the only woman I've ever truly loved. Not any of the other would be her. Like the song," As good as I was to you, that you'll never find anyone or she would never be me". I've put Leah through hell and back. She never once gave up on me, but I gave up on her, on what we could’ve been.

Its years too late now. Dr. Walker is right I should let it go. I should stop thinking about what has been or could have been. Its time to live in this world not in my subconscious.

It’s always when you loose the one you're meant to be with that it sneaks up on you when you see the girl you love being happy with another. Seeing someone you once thought were your universe, the one that completes you.

Remembering those early days of our relationship. The flutters, the eyes that never could take mine of yours, the kisses, the I love you's, the romance. The love making all those moments. I never forgot I just wish I could have been more honest. That I never cheated on you, betrayed the trust you've had in me. You weren't just my first you were my love of my life. Hearing you're voice would always send tingles through my body. There was so many wonderful memories we've shared together none of it will ever be forgotten. You're out there now loving someone or maybe still finding her. I wish it were me that could love you like you should. If only I was a better person. A better woman to show you how love can truly be inspiring. Over and over I have thrown away the chances you've given me. When it came to that last chance I was sure I was ready for us again, but we weren't.

It breaks my heart. To think where I ended up. In a rehab center for people with problems. I'm just glad you don't have to see me like this. Dr. Walker believes that I will get better and that soon I will live like a normal human being, but what happens if I fail you again.

"You won't." I heard that voice.

"Oh shit please not that voice again." I said to myself. This can't be happening not again.

Cali please calm down please.

"Through all the crazy years

I turned around and you were here

Sweeter than my wildest dreams

Yeah you showed me what true love means

And I knew nothing I could say or do

Would come close to thanking you for your love

And I could try for the rest of my life

But that wouldn't be half enough."

Chapter 8: The Aftermath

"I love you,” I whispered, and that was the moment I knew what I was going to do. When you loved someone, you put his or her needs before your own. No matter how inconceivable those needs were; no matter how fucked up; no matter how much it made you feel like you were ripping yourself into pieces."

When I let Leah go it wasn't because I didn't love her anymore, its because I didn't feel worthy of being with someone so amazing. She deserved better than what I could have given her. In some ways you all may look at me as a cheater, but truthfully its not that, yeah I feel the lowest of low. I feel degraded to call myself a lady due to how I've treated people.

Its just I have the tendency to push people I love away. I think mostly I've done it because I feel trapped inside myself, I felt also trapped being in a relationship. I never admitted it to any of the woman I've dated, but I've always had a phobia, being committed, being in love and hopefully that love won't fade out. I've always been scared of the last fact, love fading out, not feeling that way about someone like you once use to its really scary for when you've built your world around this person and later things doesn't go as you've plan it.

We can find ways to give up on love or we can find ways to make it worth the while. Still at the end you are left with choices. My lifestyle was different then. I was a different person then. It also made me ask myself this unnerving question, "Can I be faithful to one person". When someone raised this question a while ago. Partially I felt hurt just by the word faithful, because I know I can yet I still don't know what made me betray my ex girlfriend. I know it wasn't a game. But what if that happens to me one day. What if I meet someone again and fall in love? What would happen if this other woman would end up hurting me?

"There are no guarantees in love, Cali. You just have to take the risk." Yes I've been sitting in Dr. Walker's office for more than two hours now.

"That's the thing I don't want too. I don't want to feel that pain." I said.

"Put yourselves in those woman's shoes, do you think it wasn't painful to them. Let me tell you, I've been on the receiving end of getting hurt by my previous partner. We were in love; it’s the first time in my life where I stopped reasoning and fall. I fall so hard that it took my mother to help me through the toughest times of my teenage life. When I knew I was ready to enjoy my life again, that's when I met my husband. At first I wasn't giving it my all until one day I just couldn't hold my past hurt inside that I told him. Ever since we’ve been a part. That is when I realized that he was my soul mate." She said. I could see her eyes glistening.

"How do you know his your soul mate? Because I've had two and lost both." I tell her.

 "My heart knows." She says.

It’s that simple. A feeling a connection non-can compares.

I haven't told Dr. Walker that I've used the Internet in the library at the center. I just randomly went onto face book and reopen my account I've had for years now. On it I've scan on my friends list and came across two of my previous girlfriends names. I've stopped in to see what's been going on in their lives ever since we've departed. Its like I've never really ever existed in either of there lives. Its like we never even meant anything, like I never meant anything. That none of them ever called me beautiful, or said I love you or that I am there forever. As I sat there watching as there lives has moved on, they forgot I ever existed none of them ever thought too look me up or wondered where I've been. It cuts deep to think it’s all gone. Who I once was or what I meant to them.

Broken feeling swept over me as lonely tears start to fall down my cheeks. I could see my own shadow in the screen.

There was nothing left for me to go back, but too get out of this place and move on with my life.

I clicked on the drop down tab as I went into account, scrolled down and clicked "deactivated". If only I could de activate every memory, every thought of everything I once loved.

Chapter 7: The Aftermath

It’s that something, that one thing that we all would gladly want rid ourselves off. That one thing we can never forget, the love you had and the love you lost.

Its been a month since I have seen my half sister, I got hold of my mother and I was right my father had an affair right after I was born. So that leaves Kai six months younger then I am.

Sometimes we think our families our parents are perfect the fact that I was six months old when my dad had another daughter with some woman that attended one of his concerts.

You can't go back to how things were, or how you thought they were. All you really have is now.

We all carry our scars; we say words we regret, sometimes we weak, sometimes we strong. Words cuts like a knife, the words I've shared with people. Ugly hurtful words that I can never erase, never go back to fix them.

You know I thought if I keep my heart to myself to never let that wall break down I'd be secure.

Before I met them I wasn't like this, but I also didn't know what love were like either.

So it was both good and bad because at some point I had to remove the tough exterior and let myself fall.

"Cali so you've finally met your sister that must've been hard on you." She said.

"Doc, when I get out of here I want to be someone people can trust, someone they can depend on. I want love." I said.

She has been a great inspiration in my progress; I've opened up more. Faith and I are doing well.

"You will I'm sure you will, but don't rush embrace life, find that joy. Don't base your happiness on someone. You've seen where that lead you before." She says and she is right.

"I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to be that girl who enjoys life, the one that use to love hanging out with her friends. Just to be in control and let go of the sad blues. Doc look at me, I don't even look like the Cali I once were. The pains in my body it comes and goes. That I don't know where to start. The doctors certainly don't know. How can I go on if I look at the person in the mirror its not me at least not the me I knew before I ended up here." Words seem to be like water pouring from me.

I've been in my room for days because of the pain. I just can't rid myself of it even if I do it comes back when those memories flood back.

I heard a saying, "Better days will be here again." In some way that makes a lot of sense.

As the passing days move on and I start to scribble here and there creating notes all over my wall.

If I stand a distance away from it, it looks like a lot of cut out pieces to a puzzle. Well if you look at it, it kind of is. It’s my new inspiration for a new book. I might as well get enough writing done. Somewhere out there a person may feel this way, going through life as I'm doing now. Moving from one mistake to another, thinking they in control of life.

I thought I was in control. I was Cali Davis the girl who had it made with a father and mother that was in the public eye. The whole world knew of me, knew too much of me and what I do.

I never wanted it, fame it made me a person I don't like at all.

"Cali, as your therapist there's one thing you have to remind yourself, that people make mistakes. We all do at some point. What happened between you and that woman it happened you couldn’t change time. You work so hard on seeking absolution and answers to what happened. You wanted to protect them, but you're avoiding showing your hurt. There's so much pain you sitting within yourself." She says.

"I gather that, Doc."

"Do you? I see someone that's been guarding her own hurt and loneliness."

After that session I walked out there I just needed to be alone and I found a spot near an oak tree with my book and pen. I sat there for hours as thoughts whirl through my heart.

Why would I guard my loneliness when there were people who loved me? People that I actually loved being with.

It does not make sense.

"Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth."

This quote jumped at me. Self-esteem ever since my session, I try to find ways about myself, to see why I do or did the things I did. Where did I give up on my self for others?

Most case I think I believed that what I give would be what would make me a likable person. Wanting someone to be in my life without leaving, giving more of myself to him or her and losing the SELF of who I am.

"When you need to be loved, you take love wherever you can find it. When you are desperate to be loved, feel love, know love, you seek out what you think love should look like. When you find love, or what you think love is, you will lie, kill, and steal to keep it. But learning about real love comes from within. It cannot be given. It cannot be taken away. It grows from your ability to re-create within yourself, the essence of loving experiences you have had in your life."

— Iyanla Vanzant

I've done this a lot in my life, I seeked lied and to hold onto people, a little white lie, living a life where I kept losing & losing myself. Losing what I was raised with, even though the house I grew up tend to sometimes lack love, I always received that love from my parents and its the only people do remember giving me love.

It all just a facade to hold up with being someone I wasn't. One truth that wasn't a lie or a game was the love I've had was real. It was love that I will probably never experience, but it’s also a love that teaches me to respect and to honour it. So if I do find it one day I won't be frighten or make it fall out my hands.

We live in a world where hearts can easily get broken. What you break another person can mend.

As I was busying myself to finally get up from my spot, as I turn to walk towards the building I saw a figure in the distance. I tried to squint my eyes in case I'm losing it seeing things.

As I'm walking this figure is also moving towards me. As we got nearer to each other. For a while it really looked like. I couldn't believe it; she had that beautiful smile on her face. That smile I couldn't get enough of, but while I closed my eyes and open it backs up. The person I thought I saw wasn't there, but a lady dressed in white uniform.

"Miss Davis, I was told to come look for you." She said. For a while I thought she was someone else, someone I use to know, someone I use to love. I miss her so much.

"Miss did you hear me." She asked.

"Yes. Yes I did." I followed her back to the cafeteria inside it was warmer.

I'm getting use to this place. Four months went by still I haven't received any visitors other then the staff who was on duty when I was admitted to the hospital. Also the fact the person who found me never showed up either.

Looking at all these people. Some with way worse cases then mine. Friends of mine use to say; there is always someone worse of as us. Which is true? I've learnt that over the months to never take people for granted, because once they walk out your life. There is no turning back. And that I have come to learn the hard way.

Chapter 6: The Aftermath

"So you actually spoke to her and saw her, what is she like." I was on the phone with Faith.

"She's very nice, she's got a lot of you in her. I was amazed at the familiarity."

"Does she know about me? Have you told her why?" I was nervous I didn't want to freak the girl out.

"No, I think that's for you to do. I'm just glad to have helped you on this. Do you want her numbers." How do I do this, I'm in this "retreat" which I can't just leave.

"I don't know, I'm still in this place, I can't ask her to just show up here." I started to panic.

"Cali calm down first talk to Dr. Walker, she'll understand you know. Maybe she could arrange for you to get out a few hours." She's making sense, but still how am I going to get there.

"I'll talk with her. I still need someone to take me to where I'll meet her, do you think its possible only if you available that is."

"Sure Cali I'll love to go. Here's her number." I scribbled the number down on a pad attached to the phone booth.

That was something I'm surely going to be nervous about, but I'd like to meet her, to know. You would think I should be mad at this newfound of a sibling. The fact either one of my parents cheated on each other. But I've not seen them for over three years. We not that close I guess the disappointment of not following in their footstep.

Knock. Knock.

"Come on in." She called out.

"Hey do you have time." She smiled and showed me in.

"Sure, what's wrong."

"Nothing I just want to know if I could get some time out of jail." She smiled. Damn those eyes.

"Yes and Cali we've talked about calling it a jail. This is a place of recovery. Do have someone to take you."

"So you not going to ask me where I'm going. I mean who says I'll come back."

"It’s your privacy Cali and I trust you. So when do you want your pass."

"I still have to call her, but once I know exact date I'll let you know. And thanks." That was easy. Now the hard part comes actually making the call.

Ring, ring, and gosh pick up already.

"Hello." I hear a voice. It wasn't a girl’s voice.

"Uhm." Gosh Cali nervous much.

"Hey I'm Cali Davis, is there a Kai Woods perhaps."

"Yes, hold on." I heard him shouting babe there a chick for you on the phone.

Then I heard footsteps and a voice.

"Hello, Kai speaking." She says.

"Hi Kai this is Cali Davis, this isn't how I want to tell you why I'm calling but I'd like to know if you could meet me today for coffee. There's a little coffee place on fifth street do you think you can meet me." I know this is a bit stalkerish but I can't tell this girl over the phone hey you my sister.

"Yeah this kind of out the blue but I can meet you there say in a hour or so."

"That is great thanks."

"No thank you."

We said our goodbyes and I instantly called Faith she said she’d pick me up. I got Dr. Walker in the hall and I was set. Went back to my room took a quick shower and was already waiting on my friend to pick me up.

Watching as Faith pulls up near the curb, it’s been so long since I've seen her.

"Wow so nice to see you." And went for a hug, she hugged me back and it was like magic the nervousness was gone.

"So you didn't tell her."

"Nope, I thought it be better doing it in person." I tell her. I strapped myself and she starts the car and off we went. Everything felt new like being outside for the first time, to smell air that's not actually fresh like at the center.

"So how is your progress coming along." She asked.

"It’s getting somewhere, just three more months then I'm out of there. Thanks for talking me into going there." My face turned towards the open window as we drive pass buildings I've not seen in over five months.

"I'm glad you went, Dr. Walker is really amazing I've known her for quite awhile. She's been doing good work at the center I use to work at." She says, her hands turn the steering wheel just as we come to a stop. This is it. I'm here.

"This is it." I say.

"Cali it’s going to be okay. Don't worry. I'll wait out here."

"No I want you with me I'm not doing this alone." she got out with me. As we walk up the path to the coffee shop, Faith point her finger towards a brunette sitting at a corner table looking a bit nervous, I guess its time to face it.

As I stood there astounded at the expression on her face as a smile was tugged at the corner of her lips, she got up as she showed me in her direction. First I thought do I know, did we once upon a time hanged out, but then I saw the book laying on the side of the table.

I moved at a slow pace towards the girl as she came with both arms and hugs me.

She pulls away and said, "I can't believe its you, Cali Davis." I smiled because I'm nervous and I don't know how she knew it’s me she has to see.

She's not seen me.

"I am a big fan of yours, I can't believe you here today of all places. Wait a minute didn't I talk with an Cali Davis today." She says.

She seems sad in her voice. Do I give her the proper introduction? I think I've gone off by blocking her chattering when I catch the last part, " so you back in town." She says.

"Ahh, I need to speak with you please. Can we have a seat and get to why I am here."

"Sure why not go ahead." She says.

"Kai yes I am Cali and yes I called you, but I'm not here because you a big fan, I am here because I have found some news awhile back and sorry it took me so long, but you are my sister. Were sisters, I suppose one of my parents had part in your creation."

She looks at me and back at the book.

"So you here because you wanted to tell me this. You could have said something on the phone why didn't you." She says.

"I was afraid you might not like to hear it that way."

"My mother told me my father died. All I know his name is Ross." She said.

"Ross Davis is his full name and he is much alive. Well his alive I just haven't seen him in years. My friend Faith had someone looking for any relatives she didn't know if I had or not until she told me she met up with you. I had to see for myself and she's right. We do have the same features." I tell her.

"This can't be real are you kidding with me." I told her no and called Faith over that had just finished a call and doesn't seem too look like she's in any mood for anything, she has this expression on her face that I can't read, first thing I asked was.

"Is it time to go." She nods her head. This wasn't even long; I haven't even gotten any other information from or about my half sibling.

"This was unexpected, Cali but we have to leave now." She says.

I turn to face Kai who was still sitting there without saying a word. I took a napkin and scribbled on it the telephone number and my home address.

"Use it in three months." She looked at me confuse.

"We have lots to talk but I have your contact number and hopefully we can get to know each other more." She got up and I hugged her we both greeted her and we were out, but just before I was out the coffee shop I turned around and that same smile I was always complimented on was spread on her face like I have seen my twin.

Chapter 5: The Aftermath

Dear Cali

I hope that you are taking good care of yourself, I miss you. Ever since my new shift started I've been quite busy with work taking care of my elderly patients outside of the hospital, but I've heard you are starting to open up. Dear that's wonderful news. I always believed in you, never doubt you for one moment.

Also what happened then I've moved past that. I understand your burst but please know that you're a good girl.
I've also been busy because I have news for you.
Dear I hope you sit down, I remember how you told me that you're an only child.
Well a week ago I got a call from the Private Investigator, he told me he found a girl with name Kai Woods.

He got me her details and I've been working on getting hold of her, that same week she got back to me to meet her, I did. Cali dear the moment I saw those eyes I knew no mistake she's related to you.
Kai Woods is your sister.

I hope this wasn't new to you.
I'll come see you as soon as I can.

Love you
Faith

Oh my gosh, Kai. A sister, but how I'm an only child. Gosh did mother cheat on Dad. The news that was uncovered shed a whole new light.
What do I do?

"Cali do you want to talk about it." She asked.
"Seriously not now I still have to stomach all this." I tell her.
I couldn't sit still; I was walking up and down her office. Looking out the window over the garden right outside.

" Another three months to go then I'm out of here. I still haven't heard anything about who was at my house that day I took my own life. What brought me to do that in the first place? Its people that's what, I've dated women my entire 8 years since I knew I was gay but I was hiding.
My own family doesn't know I'm gay. I didn't want to be gay, I've dated men before but I always felt more drawn to women in my teens until I turned 24 and fell in love with a raven haired Caribbean girl, she was beautiful, charming it was love at first sight.
It was the way we met and the way things just escalated between us, the feelings I've had for her was so intense, we didn't even date long and we were already planning a life together, something you don't do unless you've been with someone for a year or so. For someone who was always a commitment phobia, I'd freak out the minute someone expects more of me. Because then it means this means much more to them then it does me, I wasn't looking for something serious my first time out, but as things progressed I felt connected to her somehow she had ways of opening me up, letting me feel safe in her arms. She was amazing, loving, caring, she's someone I could really spend my life with, raise a family with, but because of who I am I ran. I ran into the arms of my friend, the one who became my rock. I put all my cares into her arms and neglected my girl friend of two months.

Something happened within myself I started to grow feelings for this other person, it was unexpected, it wasn't suppose to happen. None of it, I tried blocking those thoughts out my mind, but how can anyone tell me that what you feel could be wrong, that the friendship we've nurtured could turn into an affair, we both tried as hard as we could not to ruin the friendship. One night I couldn't deny it, I couldn't deny what I was feeling for my friend. We spend more and more time together. She had a child and I couldn't stop that to make me run. I felt wanted, needed, she broke down my walls, we both let our guards down and she let me in, it was beautiful, magical about it. Like we were one person, but there was someone else. Someone I loved and didn't want to hurt.

I'd felt guilty every time I'd look my girl friend in her eyes. Here was the woman I loved but yet I was having an affair behind her back with my friend.
They were different, but there love was pure, the purest I've ever known off. They showed me what its like to feel love, to be loved.
They both could've made me happy I'm certain of that.
It was five months later the girl friend and the mistress started to wanted more of me. The one tells me I got to choose, the other one is spying on me. It was getting to appoint where I was willing to end it all.

That's when my depression starts to kick in; I was having sleepless nights, thinking of what's next to do. Do I tell them I'm leaving both, do I run and never turn back or do I just wallow in self-pity for as long as I can? My body started to pain, shooting pains over my abdomen and hipbone, panic attacks late at night where I had to sit up whole night. If I'm right I've not slept in months, I was losing weight; I was a broken mess of a woman.
I don't blame them, they fell in love, unlucky it was for the same girl, and I just couldn't tear myself apart. So I eventually told my girl friend about what's been going on, I got the phone dropped in my face.
She broke up with me that day, but I still loved her. I called the friend up I told her I want to try this with her, my heart got crushed instantly when she told me she's met someone and wants to see it through with her.

My world was falling apart yet again. I tortured myself night and day writing hateful stories all about the friend who broke my heart. She rejected me and that change a lot of things for me, because it felt like everyone was ganging up on me, that I was the jerk in this whole affair. She always knew I was in a relationship it never stopped her, if she respected my relationships shouldn't she have stopped it if she knew there wasn't a chance for us.

She kept saying we meant for each other, you know doc I stopped my heart from believing in a forever ever since those words uttered out her mouth."

"Cali you do know that you can still find love. I still think your girl friend did what's best for her own heart. You lied and cheated." She says. I turn to face her looked at her and turn back towards the garden. It was her day off and she said shed like to work more on my case.

"Yes I know that. I did love her and I never meant to hurt either." I said.

"Go on from where you stopped." She said.
I continued.
"I did something, something I regret for the rest of my life. I weight it out, the two of them. I made my best friend talk me into making a list on who stands out more. Who could I trust more with my heart, the ex or the ex mistress. But that wasn't my first regret the one was the fact I told the ex mistress that I don't love her enough to be with her. I would find just about any argument to drive her further and further apart, what did the final end to us was the fact I went and plastered on my face book status that I've got my act together." I turn around to face the doctor.

"She messaged me right afterwards and told me, "I'm glad you got your act right seeing as I didn't mean anything to you." I don't blame her doc for moving on, for leaving me because I deserved to be left behind. I deserved it, I couldn't make her happy, she was miles away from me."

"No one deserve to be left, but I can understand the urgency of her wanting more of you. She loved you right, but you kept running. What happened to your ex girlfriend."

"We got together, I basically begged her to take me back. She was the one I could always turn to. As time went by, my jealousy got out of control. The thought of the ex mistress with someone else drove me insane. I was heartbroken over the girl I lost and the one that was there just it wasn't looking good doc. As I became a different person I signed into the ex mistress ICQ name as her, I just didn't think someone would trace it back to the City I was living in. I never thought about it. About the path you always have to think about the path.
She messaged me told me how could I stoop so low pretending to be her. Yet that made me angry I told her, "this friendship is done for life" emails was send back and fort I regretted every word I've typed out. The worst part of it all it was a blatant lie.
Yes I used her name, but what I was accused of was all a bunch of lies. Things couldn't get any worse for me, until she emailed me a month later saying, she doesn't know me, that I've been playing her all this. Just thinking about that email destroyed everything in me what she stood for once upon a time. The girl who I put above everyone else tells me I'm hatred person, a user. Pretty much killed my heart, again that night I wanted to end my life. Living wasn't what I wanted then. Love is a waste I never want to feel that much love for anyone ever again.
I was living in a world where I couldn't tell people about what's going on with me. I let it all out in my book. Three hearts yes doc its me. Or it was me once upon a time.
She's wasn't anymore apart of my life. It was over, but my gosh I couldn't stop my love for her, misery was all I had but I knew I had to move on. I start to heal starting to make my life worth it. Until my girl friend left me again, this time it was for good.
She drove me mad, complaining, arguing, and checking up on me. Every friend I've made was a hidden agenda. I just couldn't take it much more. I knew in my heart if we don't go our separate ways now we'll end up hating each other and there another friendship would be destroyed. She was stubborn she wouldn't see it as that, she still believe we can move pass the cheating the trust that wasn't there. I did something in humane, I cheated on her with a girl, its the only way I knew shed leave me. Just after vday we broke up."

I was now sitting on the couch and Dr. Walker just had this expression on her face, what do you call it, yeah shock.

"I'm not a good person. I was so lost after that. I didn't know what to do. The two people I've loved the most in this world I've hurt."

"I think its good you letting all this out. You aren't a bad person, but I would suggest you control yourself around women. I know you love them. You have too moved past this Cali, it happened five years ago. Time to let it go. We at least are getting to something. We can continue tomorrow, same time." I got up and walk towards the door, just before I opened it I turn around to face the woman sitting on her couch.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me doc. I want to love again, but I want it to be with someone I truly do love and accept me without changing me. Mostly I want to trust someone with this." I point to my heart. Without giving her chance to say anything back I left for my room.

I can't believe she made me open up like that or was it the beautiful garden outside her office glass door, or is the fact looking at those eyes, those ocean blue ones.
Stop it Cali, this is silly.
She's not even gay, neither available. You still a work in progress.

Copyright C Davids 11/05/2011
All Rights is mine, these are all orginal creations by C Davids

Chapter 4: The Aftermath

In life you can come up with reasons to give up, but you might find love somewhere in places you never thought. Don't give up on it? And if you don't get it, you might get something better.

We were sitting at one of the picnic tables not to far from her office. It was nice the warmth from the sun beaming down on me, I didn't feel cold or empty anymore. Its like the more I unpack my troubles and the more I let myself feel better the heavy burden I've been carrying around is falling brick by brick. I was again lost in my own thoughts while drinking my cup of tea, she preferred coffee.
"So Cali, tell me about yourself, how did you get to be this other version of who you truly are." She asked sipping on her coffee.
"I thought we here to enjoy the morning fresh air in silence." I asked trying to sound casual. I fail every time it doesn't work with her.
"Please humour me." She said.
"I was born in Cape Pacific on a tiny island on the west coast. Were raised by both my parents. Lived a life of dedicating to the arts in Cape Town. I landed my first job as a copy editor, and then a two years later got my first book published by an American publishing company. That's about it." I tell her sounding convincing. I just basically lied.
"You don't sound convincing." She says.
"Honest truth." I replied. Finishing of my tea.
"If that's true, if you from Cape Town why are you in the States faraway from home. "
"The thing is you already know where I'm from, it’s all in the file. So no need to get into that. I think I'm going to take a walk. See you tomorrow doc."
"Cal!" She shouts. People were watching she called me Cal and not Cali. It’s unprofessional of her to do that or is it. I carried on with my walk after I couldn't hear her voice anymore.

Cali you have to stop you can't go through this again. She's the doctor your doctor and you know she's married so start being who you want to be when you leave this place.

Somehow I found myself back to my bedroom. I asked the nurse if I can have lunch in my bedroom, they starting to trust me on my own which is something I can't mess up, I have to get better so that I can get out of this place. Two months went by, I've not heard anything from Faith; maybe she's busy at the hospital. I miss her, especially the hugs she gave me and how she always knew just what to say to make me feel better. She was the one person who had faith in me, who believed in me, I owe it all up to her for sharing her God with me.

27 April 2011

"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength"

The busyness of some people is the evasion of a challenge. They keep themselves busy to avoid listening to the challenge of their inner voices, and they cannot bear the thought of entering a period of silence to meet the challenge of their imperfections and deliberate sins. " Keep busy and the inner voices stifled" seems to be their unconscious philosophy.
This attitude eventually creates mental, moral, spiritual breakdowns, for no human can continue to evade the basic issues of life without serious consequences. The quietness does challenge, but if we have courage to develop and dwell in the Silence of God we find that life gradually starts to sort itself out. Our sense of values is reoriented and we come to grips with our hidden weaknesses and fears.
A life possessing the knowledge born on the Silence of God should be so filled with confidence that possessing greatness of vision and depth of character it can be a master of life.

"Greatness" rolled off my tongue.
"You have greatness Cali, that's who you are."
I wish I can also believe in what Faith and now Dr. Walker sees within me.
"Who am I. Where did I come from, why did I attempt to suicide twice in less then a few months apart.
What troubles you?
I remember what Faith once said, "let go and let God" like saying let the guilt, hurt and pain go, and let God heal your soul. Faith send me this book where I take my passages from its like this book was specifically wrote for me, I don't think I could wrote anything like this.
I still do think about them, her and the other one. Whenever someone make reference to the book I wrote it was a painful book to write it was never going to be a book, it was just something for myself to let it all out, I never thought I could feel so much emotions all at once. This pains its been coming for quite some time. Those voices I heard it drove me crazy, yet I still can't place the voice I keep hearing. It stopped. Thank goodness.

It was never a game to me, I wasn't playing anyone, and my heart loved both. Some people tell me it wasn't actual love. How do they know if they weren't in my body, if they didn't live through what I have? Only those involve knows.
I'm not someone who would play with once heart, that's something special to give to someone. I have a heart or had one filled with love and devotion, now I'm starting to learn. Mistakes happen, but I don't regret anything about it all. To love someone that much to want to take all there pain upon myself. I was lucky to have the love of those two women I'll cherish it forever. They may have moved on, I would still remember.
"Love only dies when you do"
So if they want to judge me for all this, I've paid my debt didn't I. Look where I am.

For long time I denied who I am. I struggled accepting who I am. To the world I'm Cali Davis, but who am I really. A liar, cheater, closeted lesbian. All those labels I wear them daily, I wear the boots of guilt, the shield of torture, the armour of fear, the helmet of depression.
See I made that in my version, but if you a person living by the spiritual realm it would be different.


 Copyright C Davids 2011

Chapter 3: The Aftermath

The world cannot hate you; but it hates me for exposing the wickedness of its own"

Many people when asking a question, which concerns them, solemnly affirm that they want the truth "even if it hurts". They honestly think and believe what they were wanting to hear, it is possible that they will be hurt, ignore your point of view until they find one that conform to their own.
 Only those who are humble and sincere in their search for truth are great enough to profit by criticism
Learning to know myself can be a painful lesson but it is necessary for spiritual growth.

When you faced with your own truth it breaks every fibre of your self-esteem. How much lower can I go then what I did to Faith?
"Dr. Walker, wants you in her office." I heard the guy said. I got up from my single bed as I got on my feet. My weight suddenly dropped, my eyes grew bigger in my head. There wasn't any hope for me.
I knocked on her door as I hear the comforting voice on the other side calling come in.
I walked in as she showed me to her couch. She stayed at her desk.
"Hello Cali." She said.
"Hi." Let me tell you after the outburst with Faith it frightened me of who I've become, someone bitter and dreadful, I wrote Faith letters none was replied, I could understand her reasons.
After that day when Dr. Walker stopped by to see me I slowly started to open up to her.
"Faith called." She called.
"She sends her love and that she's praying for your recovery." She said.
"Is she coming to see me soon." I asked, I was nervous as my leg start to jump and I'm fidgeted with my hands.
"I don't know she hasn't said anything."
"Ok."
"How are you feeling today? You need to eat Cali." She said with a worried look.
"To be honest I don't feel worthy of anyone's love. I feel dead." I tell her.
"Let's talk about that. Why do you feel like that." She asks.
"I don't know who I am anymore, its like something has taken my soul and replaced it with a monster. Yeah a monster that's who I am doc, I'm unrepairable, broken, tossed aside." I tell her.
She adjusted from her chair to come to sit opposite me, looking into eyes that have no life in them.
"I think everyone deserves a second chance don't you think. I've read your novel,” Three hearts, one choice, one love" how come you can't be more truthful in your real life, without hiding behind the characters you write about." She said. I remember five years ago someone else saying those exact words to me. To stop hiding what I truly feel behind fiction characters.
"Maybe because its easier. I feel protected with having myself being guarded by fiction. Facing any kind of truth hurts." I said.
"All truth hurts, but its better then lying to your own heart. Pretending to be someone you aren't worst type of thing anyone can do. Life is made to live not hide." She said. Maybe she knows this from experience. I saw her playing with a thing on her finger.
"Are you married." I asked out the blue.
"Yes, I am.” She said.
"What if you could spare someone from heartache isn't that better than the truth."
"For how long can you do with the lie, it always comes out? Truth is never hidden." She said.
"I just wanted to be loved, that's all I wanted." I told her.

“Ali we can go about it any other way but I know and you know that we are meant to be, one day you going to wake up and you are going to see me there. Standing beside you. I told you about the dream of the brunette with the faceless face, but I now know she has a scar on her left foot, I remember tracing it with my finger and I kissed it, she told me it’s a scar she picked up when she was little.”

"Cali is that the truth. This book its you isn't it." I looked at the white wall with all her diplomas, degrees and accolades.
"Doc tell me is this what life is to you. Accomplishments. I had that once you know." I tell her my eyes still on her wall.
Then I continued quoting, " they say we leave this world just the way we came into it, naked and alone. So if we do leave with nothing, what then is the measure of a life? Does the people we choose to love define it? Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments? And what if we fail or are never truly loved? What then? Can we ever measure up? Or will the quiet desperation of a life gone wanting drive us mad?" I turn to face her eyes caught hers, both not blinking just looking, no words were said. Until...
"I think we have covered today's session. See you tomorrow Cali." She got up as I followed her to the now open door.
"Was nice talking to you doc." And off I went with a smug smile on my face. I rest my case. I said more to myself.

The following day was another day to face. Sometimes we afraid of what lays behind that door we never opened, the door that has been closed for so many years. We search and search for a better tomorrow, but does a better tomorrow actually exist. People rip me apart leaving me bears, to be eaten up by the leeches.
I feel like there's nothing more to dig within myself, but this pain that's physical on my body, spreading the pain all over, all those times I've been hiding from the truth from who I am. I stare the truth in its face.
Yeah you.
 That little voice telling me all the negative things that corrupts my mind making me feel like I'm not worth love, that I'm not enough for anyone. I reveal myself as I shed the armour I've been wearing for years. All the pain, the turmoil, suffering from depression even hiding that depression takes a toll on me. Having to live up to a certain standard. People read my books; they think I'm great; they have this idea of who I'm suppose to be.

Its like myself when I fell in love for the first time and I told this person I love you, rejected by someone who I thought felt the same as I did.
"I'm sorry its not you, its me. I think we need a break from each other." Don't you just get angry when you hear that?

It’s the first taste of heartbreak. What is love really if that's love I prefer not to take part in it.
There's a quote so beautifully fitted for this and I like to make reference to it because even as a writer I can't sum up what love truly means, "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, and it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Love enters, grows, become explosive, end up sucking all the breath out of you.

"Cali I've given you enough time to sit in silence, are you going to tell me what's on your mind." She asked.
I've been sitting here for over an hour with a mind full of stuff yet she asks me what's on my mind.

"Doc if I could shut this mind." I point my finger to my head.
"That's why you here to unpack the load. How you feeling today."

"Not better than yesterday, can you give me a higher dosage in my meds please. Because I find it difficult to fall asleep at night." I said. She jots something down on her pad. I think I like her just the way she sits there her glasses perched up and her writing pad at hand, her legs cross each other. I've only seen her once in a skirt other times she's dressed in her slacks and blouse. She's beautiful I admire her she reminds me of someone I once knew. The mannerism, soft voice like a whisper, she's by far the most attracted therapist I've had since ever.

"I'll let the night staff know." She says.
"Thanks doc."
"Is there anything else on your mind you want to discuss."
"Yes." I said.
"Is it possible if I can get a laptop or writing pad and pen." I asked.
She studies me carefully then continued.
"I can see what I can do about the laptop, but you probably know that I can't give you anything sharp." I nodded. Yes I know after the second attempt of trying to cut myself I wasn't entrusted with anything sharp, food was eaten with a spoon and I was watched all the time, which drove me insane, but I knew the staff is only doing there job.

"I understand, but it would be a great help to unpack all this in here." I said.

26 April 2011

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee, He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved"

Many a smiling face hides an aching heart, for not everyone carries their heart upon their sleeve for the world to see.
On numerous occasions I have been asked the conventional question, "How are you?" And my reply would always be, "Fine thanks", but as the conversation continues the heart-piercing story of a wayward child, a tottering marriage, a struggling business or some worry, fear or disappointment is shared.
When life demands that you carry a load, which cannot be shared, it is invaluable to have a confidant, someone whom you know and trust. Such a person may be a complete stranger, but with the aid of such a person you realize the truth of the old adage that a trouble shared is a trouble halved.
Yet often the burden is of such a nature that you cannot share it with man or woman.
At such times there is always God, with His divine heart of understanding and rich forgiveness, waiting to share the deep things of your life with you.
Why did I not make use of His willingness to share my life with? It can change your life when the burden is lifted from your heart.

"You starting to feel more at ease to talk with God." She says.
"Not that I'd take your job away from you, there's just things I can't share in here, but in private. Thanks for the laptop its much easier now to just write."
"I'm glad to be off help, Cali."

Something was changing with me, either its because I'm starting to gain weight, and sleep comes easier.
"Today is a nice day, its only 7am and your session is done, and you can take this time to get some fresh air." She says as she moves away from the big sliding door as I could see her beauty just by the early morning ray of sunshine hitting over her blonde hair, making a crown.
"Do you want to join me for a cup of tea, Dr. Walker." She turns to me smiling.
"That is perfect." A smile I knew place upon my lips.
"You should do more of that, its sure is beautiful." I know she's married, but it doesn't forbid one woman to the other complementing each other does it.